Bring your pet to work day
by Kyuubi's Angel of Darkness
Summary: AU/nonmassacre "We don't need a babysitter!" "Hey lady this one will give your chest that extra bow chicka bow!" *Smack* *Groan* "Naruto..." "Sorry Sakura-chan." "Excuse me miss, please stop raping my friend, its illegal." "Yo Sasori, I landed your sister in jail." "No 'mam napkins are not a currency!" Naruto, Saskue get ready for one week of hell... Well comedy for the rest...
1. Chapter 1

**Hello everyone! As you may have noticed, I have come back to give a these first chapters a quick clean up before moving onto chapter 5. Enjoy! Oh and for those of you who are new to this story! WELCOME ALL! **

**_Disclaimer: What proof can I give to you people that shows I don't own Naruto?! My broken heart?!_**

* * *

Haruno Sakura was not your average girl, in fact she was opposite. Long petal pink hair cascaded down her back and slightly uneven bangs framed a heart shaped face. Apple green eyes, which could easily darken into an intense forest green when angered, were framed by long, dark lashes. High cheekbones and pale, creamy skin proved the woman to be an exotic beauty. However, it was not her looks that made her somewhat famous. The fact that she worked seven different jobs (one for each day of the week for some variety she claims) didn't make her only somewhat known either. What had made her famous was her _interesting _relationship with the esteemed billionaires, the Uchiha family.

* * *

Something groaned and shifted under a mass of blankets as the sound of the Mexican hat dance made itself known. A pale hand bravely ventured out from under the mass of blankets as it felt around for the source of the noise. Coming into contact with her phone, Haruno Sakura's petal pink head popped out from under her blankets. She read the ID presented on the screen and answered.

"Mikoto-ba, what a pleasant surprise." she drawled, "Is there anything you need at-" a quick glance to the clock on her right. "three forty-five in the morning?"

No matter how much she loved Uchiha Mikoto, there would have to be a blizzard in hell before Sakura became a pleasant person to converse with in the mornings. Especially at three forty-five in the morning. Mikoto seemed unaffected by her rather sarcastic greeting.

"Hello Sakura dear!" she chirped. "I had meant to ask earlier but it slipped my mind. Would you mind watching Sasu-cakes and Naruto-kun this week? Fugaku and I are going a trip and I forgot to call you earlier and ask!"

Sakura honestly didn't want to know why Mikoto-ba was up at nearly four a.m. thinking about things like this. She shrugged, though Mikoto couldn't see, and answered with: "I don't see how that could be a problem Mikoto-ba, does Itachi need a place to stay as well?" Mikoto gave off a girlish giggle.

"I'm sure he would love too spend time with his 'beloved cherry blossom' but he has something to do with his cute little Akatsuki friends later on in the week. He should be around Monday and Tuesday to say hi though!"

Sakura was absolutely positive Mikoto could _hear_ her blush through the phone as she used one of Itachi's nicknames for her, which was supposed to be a secret. Honestly that boy couldn't keep anything from his mama.

She paused to consider, or it could be Itachi's problem with singing his made-up songs in the shower too loudly. He really was lucky Sasuke was always out of the house and Fugaku-ji was half deaf. She shook her head to clear thoughts as she focused back on her conversation.

"That's fine Mikoto-ba, what time will you and Fugaku-ji be leaving?" The Uchiha matriarch was silent as she considered.

"I would say we'll leave at two-ten in the afternoon. If you could pick them up then that would be wonderful!" Sakura smiled sleepily at Mikoto-ba's antics.

"Ok will do. Please tell Naruto and Sasuke they will be coming with me to work this week."

"Perfect Sakura-chan! I will tell them to pack for a week. Thank you!"

"It's no problem Mikoto-ba have fun on your trip!"

"I will, take care dear." she replied. The line went dead. Sakura snuck a glance at the clock, it now read four a.m. So she would be picking up Naruto and Sasuke at two-ten tomorrow, which was today, then hi-tailing it over to her Sunday job. She grinned, this is going to be lots of fun! Her eyes then promptly rolled into the back of her head and she collapsed back onto her pillow, sound asleep.

* * *

It was at exactly two-sixteen that Sakura pulled into the driveway of the Uchiha estate. She waltzed up to the door and let herself in.

"Sasuke, Naruto time to go!" she hollered. The sound of hurried footsteps met her ears.

"Move teme I want to go first!"

"Shut up dobe, my house I go first!" A few seconds later both boys tumbled down the stairs and landed at her feet. She glanced down at them un-impressed.

"Sakura-chan!" Naruto screamed.

"Hn." was Sasuke's greeting. Sakura smiled fondly at them.

Meet Uchiha Sasuke and Uzumaki Naruto. Sasuke, fondly dubbed 'teme', has chicken-ass hair and midnight blue eyes. He's very stuck up and arrogant and is often referred to as the human ice cube due to his lack of emotions and the disability to be kind to others. He has complete possession of the emo-corner and anyone who tires to argue will be glared to death. He longs to surpass his older brother Uchiha Itachi in everything known to mankind. Though he is rude to Naruto and Sakura, deep, deep, deep, down somewhere inside his dark scary soul he is a pretty good friend. Usually he and Naruto will partake in stupid competitions because they are, as Naruto claims, rivals.

Naruto, fondly dubbed 'dobe', is Sasuke's opposite in every way. He has bright blonde hair and ocean blue eyes. He is obsessed with orange and wears the horrible color all the time. He is loud and obnoxious and his kindergarten teachers were positive he had ADHD. They also thought he was color blind. As much of a spaz as he is, he is the sweetest, most loyal guy ever. He also has an unhealthy obsession with the sodium filled dish, ramen. These two knuckle-heads were Sakura's best friends.

They were also nineteen years old.

Sakura smirked. "How rude Sasu-cakes, no nice greeting for your favorite baby-sitter?"

Sasuke's glare could have frozen hell over, Sakura merely giggled.

Naruto scowled. "We don't need a baby-sitter Sakura-chan." she raised an eyebrow.

"Of course Naruto that's obviously not the reason your parents leave you here every time they're on a business trip. Because your parents love to replace their kitchen 24/7."

His scowl deepened. "One time Sakura-chan, one time I set the kitchen on fire."

"Naruto you were making microwaveable ramen, it shouldn't have been possible for you to set the kitchen on fire via the stove."

He pouted. "How was I supposed to know you put it in the microwave? It seemed to be just as fast to put it on the gas flame."

Sakura shook her head, exasperated. "Directions, Naruto directions. If you read them it clearly tells you to put it in the microwave for two minutes. Not set it on fire!" The look on her blonde friend's face suggested the very _idea_ of reading appalled him.

"If you two are done arguing like children, I would like to get on with whatever we're doing." Sasuke snapped.

"Do you have your bags?" Sakura questioned. The silence was answer enough.

"For nineteen year olds, you two are totally irresponsible." she remarked.

"I am not irresponsible." Sasuke grumbled.

"Hey, it's not my mother who thinks I need a baby-sitter. Now go get your bags, I'm going to be late for work and you two are coming with me!" she ordered. Sasuke and Naruto disappeared up the stairs.

A few moments passed.

"Are you going to come out Ita-kun?" she called. A second later Itachi's head popped out from behind a wall.

"You always seem to know when I'm around. How do you do it?" he teased. Sakura crossed her arms and shifted her weight to one foot.

"I have a tracking device sewn into your briefs, my phone vibrates as you get closer." She said casually as if they were talking about the weather. Itachi froze, horrified.

Sakura giggled. "I'm kidding love." She walked over to where he was standing and straightened his tie.

"Going somewhere?" she inquired.

"Lunch meeting, new client, rather boring really." he said disinterested. "I would rather be with you today, it is your Sunday job right?" he said with a lecherous smirk gracing his handsome features.

When Uchiha Itachi was out of the office and away from the high demands of his family, his true personality often reared it's head. Sakura liked to entertain the idea that he was schizophrenic to amuse herself. He _was_ rather perverted at times, especially around his pretty girlfriend. It seemed to be the opposite of the normally stoic man.

Sakura thumped him.

"Shush you, I have to bring them in today with me and I don't need them running off before I can get them on a leash."

Itachi snickered at the thought of his foolish little brother and orange clad friend on a leash. He leaned in for a kiss. Sakura stood on her tip-toes and planted her lips on his. Five seconds later, Naruto made himself known.

"Get away from him Sakura-chan! He has cooties!" he screamed as he tackled her to the ground.

"Naruto what the hell! Are you five?" she yelled back.

"No Sakura he's right, the weasel could have rabies." was Sasuke's eerily calm response. Sakura rolled her eyes at the two, and pushed Naruto off her. Itachi wrapped his arms around her waist and hoisted her up.

"I'll be sure to continue this in a more _secluded_ room." he murmured huskily in her ear as he planted hot, open mouthed kisses on her neck. She smirked.

"Not now dear, there are children watching." He chuckled and left out the door as Sasuke and Naruto rolled on the ground gagging. Sakura laughed and clapped her hands.

"Ok guys off to work! Today is the Sunday job and I'm gonna be late if we don't leave now!" She ushered her friends out the door and into her car.

Ten minutes into the car ride, Naruto discovered a paper bag. He pulled out two sets of a leash and collar. One orange and one blue.

"Sakura-chan what's this?"

"That's a leash Naruto."

A moment of silence passed.

"Sakura-chan are you getting dogs?" He asked. Sakura smiled cheerfully.

"Nope!" He looked puzzled.

"Then what are these for?" She continued to smile.

"In case we have some behaviour problems!" Both boys visibly paled. The pinkette adopted an innocent pout.

"We aren't going to have any problems are we?" The boys viciously shook their heads no. She nodded at them, pleased for the time being.

"Excellent, we will be there soon." She informed them.

"Where is your Sunday job Sakura-chan?" Naruto asked. She giggled.

"A magical place Naruto, I'm sure you'll love it." His face lit up, childlike-glee and excitement present on his face. Even Sasuke looked vaguely intrigued.

"Well, here we are." Sakura announced, stopping the car and taking the key out of the ignition. She turned, curious about their response. She wasn't disappointed. The glee had melted off Naruto's face to be replaced with horror. Saskue locked eyes with Sakura, almost pleading with her to take them home in his own speechless emo way. Sakura grinned evily.

"Welcome to Victoria's Secret boys."

* * *

**Here we go loves! Just added a few lines and spaced out the paragraphs, nothing major! Chpater 5 will be out soon! Plus my laptop will be fixed and I'll have it back tomarrow! Plus winter break starts Friday so I'll have lots more time for writing!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Tralalalalalalala! It's like spring cleaning with all this editing! Only it's winter... Anyways enjoy!**

**_Disclaimer: Okay so when Naruto was first started, I wasn't exactly old enough to articulate a sentance or two consisting of something more complex than "Daddy food." This should tell you whether or not I own Naruto._**

* * *

Ten minutes, Sakura mused. It took her ten minutes to drag Naruto and Sasuke out of her car and into the store. She was almost positive Naruto had broken her car door and didn't tell her though. She strolled up to the back wall and clocked in.

"You're late." was her boss' greeting. Sakura turned and bowed graciously.

"Forgive me Anko-sama for I had two idiots to drag out of my vehicle!" she cried dramatically. Anko snickered.

"Whatever, go take inventory. I'll be in my office." With that she spun on her heel and waltzed into a room marked 'private' to do whatever it is Anko does. Sakura turned to face her charges.

"Alright, you heard the boss. I'm off to take inventory, stay here and please, don't set anything on fire, _Naruto_." Said blonde pouted as their pink haired friend made her way into the back of the store.

Thirty seconds passed before Naruto broke the silence.

"Teme, I'm bored." Sasuke rolled his eyes.

"Hn. Get used to it dobe, we're going to be with Sakura all week doing nothing."

"Man this sucks, there's no pretty chicks with big boobs to look at." Sasuke raised a brow.

"You're dating Hinata, why do you need some big chested chick to ogle?" Naruto scratched the back of his head sheepishly.

"Well we kind of got into a fight and she dumped me, saying Kiba was better for her." Sasuke nearly snickered at the thought of meek, innocent Hinata dumping his blonde friend. Whatever he did it must have been bad.

"What was the fight about?" Naruto chuckled nervously.

"I asked her whether we were considered a threesome or not because I am legally bound to ramen with my mind, body and soul. She got pretty mad when I asked." Sasuke gave his companion an incredulous look. Sure Naruto wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer but this was ridiculous.

"What the hell Naruto?"

Naruto ignored his comment, turned his attention back to the store and scowled.

"These chicks don't even know how to buy the right bra size!" he exclaimed. Sasuke yet again raised his eyebrow.

"And how, pray tell, would you know that?"

"Ero-sennin told me! He said they have to buy bigger sizes than they need so their boobs look bigger!" Sasuke gave an unnoticeable sighed at the idiocy that seemed to radiate off his friend in tangible waves.

"Naruto I highly doubt listening to your perverted uncle, who has in fact, been charged with sexual assault on minors numerous times, is a good idea." The dark haired boy drawled. Naruto shook his head.

"Nonsense! When has Ero-sennin ever let me down? I'm going to help these girls for the better!"

Sasuke rolled his eyes. He could count a number of times when Jiraiya's everlasting _'wisdom' _got both them in trouble. For a second he debated whether or not he should get Sakura. He quickly decided his answer when he saw Naruto make his way over to a rack of frilly bras and select the biggest one marked 'DDD'. He smirked to himself, Sakura didn't need to get involved. His rival gave him a foxy grin before walking over to a petite woman who was leafing through a section marked 'A'.

Sasuke willed himself into suppressing the chuckle that longed to come forth. He watched attentively as Naruto poked the brown haired woman's shoulder. She turned to face him with a pleasant but confused expression. Naruto presented the lacy, over-sized bra and Sasuke wished with all of his might for a video camera. The blonde knucklehead's voice could be heard clearly across the store.

"Here you go miss!" he exclaimed with a sunny grin. She looked at him bewildered.

"Um thank you demo, this isn't my size. It's too big to fit." she squeaked in embarrassment, her face blood red.

It was safe to say, the next five minutes will be engraved into Sasuke's mind for years to come.

"Ano sa, ano sa you don't understand miss! If you wear this you get that extra _oompf_, if you know what I mean." Naruto wiggled his eyebrows suggestively and Sasuke nearly lost it. He brought a hand to his mouth to smother his chuckles. In response to his question the woman shook her head, terrified.

Naruto shook his head, exasperated.

"Look lady, this one will give your chest that extra **BOW CHICKA BOW**!"

Dead silence.

Sasuke clutched his spleen. The resounding '_SLAP_' that sounded a moment later was music to Sasuke's ears. Naruto yelped in pain and clutched his cheek while the woman stormed out of the store. The blonde turned and made his way back to his friend while letting out a stream of curses under his breath. Sasuke smirked as he noticed the fast moving projectile currently coming towards Naruto's head. Naruto saw the smirk and turned to see what his friend found so amusing.

"YOU BAKA!" was all he heard before Sakura's fist connected with his face and he was thrown into a wall.

* * *

After the events of Naruto's attempt to_ assist _the customer, things had calmed down and the two were currently sitting near the front desk waiting for Sakura to come back from helping out around the store.

Naruto was sitting near the register, a pitiful expression on his face as he eyed the orange leash that bound him to the counter. Sasuke was lounging in a chair not to far off from Naruto. He was lost in a wonderful daydream where he had captured Itachi with a net and then put him on display in a cage for the fan girls. Sasuke smiled creepily but frowned when he felt an unnatural breeze. All of a sudden, the breath was knocked out of him as an extremely heavy weight landed in his lap. He let out an annoyed grunt and cracked open an eye to see what had disturbed him.

Naruto was looking around boredly. He was attempting to entertain himself by counting how many dots were on the tiled floors but quickly gave up after he got to twenty. Suddenly a flash of red invaded his vision and he turned his head to follow the color. His head came to a stop just in time to see some red headed chick catapult herself in the air and cannonball onto Sasuke's lap.

Sasuke blinked at the offending red color invading his personal bubble. He narrowed his eyes when he realized this thing in his lap was none other than Karin, the president of his fan club.

"_Bitch invadin' MAH bubble? Hell to da no!_" was his first thought.

"Sasuke-kun!" she shrieked.

"What a chance in meeting you here! Fate must want us to be together! LET ME HAVE YOUR BABIES!" she screamed. Sasuke paled considerably and turned to Naruto for help.

Naruto knew when Karin landed in Sasuke-teme's lap that this was a serious situation. One false move and it would be similar to a bomb going off. His expression hardened, he would not let this red haired demon harm his friend. He just needed to think of a plan and keep the menace from raping Sasuke. It would take all the knowledge he possessed to get them out of this one. He smirked, welcoming the challenge.

Sasuke locked eyes with his best friend turned comrade. This was it, a do or die situation. They seemed to have a silent conversation with their eyes.

_"You have to leave me and get help!"_

_"No! I can't just leave you with her!"_

_"It's the only way! You must for the sake of our future!"_

_"Promise you'll still be alive when I get back?"_

_"I promise. Now go! I trust you to make it back in time. I'll hold her off from here."_

_"You got it comrade, I swear I will come back with help!"_

_"Go Naruto!"_

Naruto's eyes had begun to tear up and he savagely wiped them. He threw a shaky salute and ducked down. Crawling army style he began to make his way to the counter. The florescent lights blinded him as he struggled forward. Crackling static from the speakers above imitated the sound gunshots and made him curse. So the bitch had reinforcements? Damn and they had guns too. He looked to his destination with determination in his eyes. He would have to get there quickly if he wanted to prevent the fan club president from sucking Sasuke's face off.

Sasuke watched as his blonde ally slunk down and ducked out of sight. He breathed a sigh of relief, he knew Naruto would get help, he had to. He turned his attentions to keeping the red haired menace away from him. He struggled and wiggled but that seemed to excite the maniac even more. She moaned loudly and not so subtly let her hand drift down to the zipper on his pants. Sasuke froze for a millisecond before his attempts to break free of his captor became more frantic. He sent a silent prayer to Kami-sama and continued the fight for his life.

Naruto looked back in time to see Karin trying to pull Sasuke's pants off. The blonde began to panic. Not good he was running out of time! With a last valiant effort he threw himself to the counter top where the intercom was perched. He pressed the red button on the base. Static sounded before giving off a clearer sound, indicating it was OK to begin his message.

**_"Come in General Sakura, come in General Sakura! This is Private Uzumaki speaking, we have an emergency in the nest! I repeat emergency in the nest! Private Uchiha has been captured by the enemy and as we speak, is fighting for his virginity! We need back up right away! I repeat back up is requested immediatley!"_**

Naruto threw a look to Sasuke. _"Help is on the way old friend."_

* * *

"Yes we have a wide variety if nightgowns here but if your looking for something for a _special_ someone, I reccomend this sheer black one. It would go wonderfully with your complexion-"

Sakura was cut off from speaking to her customer as the music playing from the speakers overhead abruptly cut off. She titled her head to the side curious, but froze when Naruto's voice sounded from the speaker.

_**"Come in General Sakura, come in General Sakura! This is Private Uzumaki speaking, we have an emergency in the nest! I repeat emergency in the nest! Private Uchiha has been captured by the enemy and as we speak, is fighting for his virginity! We need back up right away! I repeat back up is requested immediatley!"**_

Sakura groaned and slapped a hand to her forehead. What had those idiots done now? She spared the confused customer an apologetic glance.

"I'm very sorry 'mam it seems I'm needed as back up heh heh." she gave a nervous chuckle while scratching the back of her head. The woman gave her a strange look before walking away. Sakura glared at the ceiling, as if she could strangle her blonde friend and temporary charge via mental powers. She soon realized her mental powers didn't exists like she thought and stomped off toward the front desk.

Sakura thought she was typically prepared for anything life threw at her. What she was not prepared for was approaching the counter to find Sasuke pinned to a chair underneath a familiar looking red headed spaz with his pants halfway off and Naruto hiding behind the counter wearing a size double D bra as if it was some sort of military grade helmet. Naruto was the first to notice her and beckoned her over with some weird hand signs.

"General Sakura thank goodness you came!" he whispered.

"Things aren't looking so good for Private Uchiha I was really worried for a second." he continued.

"If you're going into the fray, you're going to need this General." he announced as he plopped a bra on her head. Sakura shook her head, relieving it of it's 'helmet' and marched over to where Sasuke was being molested, the click of her heels announcing her arrival. The girl didn't seem to notice her. She tapped Karin on the shoulder.

"What do _you_ want?" snarled the tomato head. Sakura was rather put off with the girl's rude tone.

"Excuse me Karin, are you aware that not only is it illegal to be assalting my charge here in a public place, it also makes you seem like a skank?" Karin seemed to bristle at this comment.

"Skank? I am no skank! I am the esteemed Akasuna Karin! I can do whatever I want!" she screamed. Sakura sighed, she honestly hoped her manager wouldn't put this on her record.

"Oh I know who you are." She muttered under her breath.

"I would greatly appreciate it if you would stop molesting my friend now." She managed to say through gritted teeth.

"Bitch you can't touch me!" Sakura didn't regret her next action in the least.

* * *

A police officer approached her moments later.

"Were you the one who called us mam?"

"Yes that would be me officer-" she trailed off as she searched for his name. "Gaylord?" she said after finding the name printed on his tag.

"Yes mam, Officer Gaylord S. Dickey at your service."

In Sakura's opinion she did a wonderful job in keeping herself from laughing her ass off at the police officer in front of her. Really she deserved an Oscar for the crap she's been through today, or an Advil, or sake, whichever came first.

"Anyways 'mam, may I ask why you called?" Sakura blinked.

"Ah yes, well that woman over there," she pointed to Karin who was currently sporting a broken nose and black eye.

"She was attempting to assault and rape my current charge, thankfully I arrived before she removed his pants and called you immediately." The officer raised and eyebrow.

"What happened to her face?" he questioned.

"She tripped, you know how hard it is to go prancing around in those slutty heels." Sakura lied with ease. The officer nodded his head in understanding.

"Now who was it she was trying to rape, and why does that boy have a bra on his head?"

"She tried to rape Mr. Sasuke Uchiha over here. As for bra boy, eh just ignore him."

"Uchiha!" the officer spluttered. "She tried to rape Fugaku-sama's youngest?" She nodded her head cheerily. The officer gaped and roughly yanked the red head to her feet.

"You will be in jail until Fugaku-sama returns from his trip! Afterwards charges will be pressed!" Karin thrashed and screamed while the officer dragged her away. Sakura stared for a few minutes before she turned to her friends.

"Okay, Sasuke put your pants back on and Naruto take that bra off your head, I have a phone call to make." Both nodded, Sasuke rather numbly considering he was scarred for life. Sakura turned away, pulled out her phone, and pressed four on her speed dial list. She held the piece of technology to her ear and after four rings, someone picked up.

"What did you do Sakura?" Sakura pouted.

"Sasori, why is it every time I call you, you think I have bad news?"

"Because you do." he replied. Sakura smirked.

"Your right, this time isn't any different but I promise one day I'll call for pleasantries."

"Yeah yeah get on with the news. You didn't get arrested again did you? Because I'm out of bail money." he drawled. She scowled.

"No I didn' get arrested again!"

"But uh speaking of arrests," Sakura chuckled nervously.

"Ah well you see, I kinda landed your sister in jail, broke her nose, and gave her a black eye..." Sakura could have sworn she heard snickers but dismissed the idea as Sasori began speaking again.

"How on earth did you manage to send your cousin to jail Sakura?" Sakura scratched her head sheepishly, a habit she seemed to have picked up from Naruto.

"She tried to rape Sasuke and I called mall security. Did you know they could arrest people?" This time full blown laughter and gasps for breath could be heard from the other end.

"I'm on speaker again aren't I?" she grumbled. "

It would seem so." Sasori replied nonchalantly.

"You suck at using technology Sasori-nii."

"I do try Sakura-chan." Sakura rolled her eyes.

"Yes well I have to go, it seems Naruto has a bra stuck to his head. Sayonara Sasori-nii! Also, Hi Itachi love you!" she ended the call.

Somewhere across town, Itachi smirked while the others seethed in jealousy. Sasori merely grumbled in annoyance.

* * *

"I'm fired?" Sakura exclaimed. Anko nodded.

"Sorry hun, it seems the higher ups were poking their heads around today and saw the dramatic increase of unsatisfied customers." Sakura slumped and Anko patted her shoulder sympathetically.

"Well the world is filled with opportunties! I won't let this knock me down! I guess I'll see ya around Anko-chan, remember our bar night next week!" Anko waved as Sakura marched out the door with Sasuke and Naruto in tow. Once back in Sakura's car she turned to face the two boys.

"OK you two, if you get me fired again, I will castrate you both and ban ramen and tomatoes from any meal this week!" The two quickly nodded, their faces considerably paler.

"Glad we have an understanding." Sakura stated as she started the car and pulled out of the parking lot.

* * *

**Lol one of the only times I'm enjoying cleaning! Peace out suckas, review!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Don't mind me! I'm** **just cleaning up and wondering what the hell is going on with my neighbors. I mean who plays christmas carols on what sounds like a two year olds toy keyboard?! Come on people its like 9:30 at night!**

* * *

Soft snores filled the room, the sheets and blankets on the bed falling and rising in a rhythmic pattern. Low, almost mute chirps sounded outside while pale, golden rays of light streamed through the small opening between the blackout curtains. In all, it was a peaceful morning at the Haruno apartment complex.

That was until the alarm went off.

At eight fifty-nine, Sakura's new alarm clock prepared itself for it's first day on the job. The glowing green digits flickered momentarily before flashing to nine o'clock. The clock let out a high pitched scream.

And so did Sakura.

At the sound of the alarm she jerked up and flung the device at the wall, obviously displeased with its performance. Upon impact, the clock shattered and the pieces scattered everywhere. The rosette swore.

"Dammit! That's the sixth one this week! Fucking clock." She looked at her calender and growled, "Monday." She sat for a few minutes glaring at the offending day and simmering quietly. She sighed and got on with her morning routine. Stifling a yawn she stretched, giving a pleased grunt as the cartilage in her back popped into place. She rubbed at her eye cutely and ruffled her already mused hair as she stumbled out of bed. As she approached the door, she checked her apparel; an old t-shirt of Itachi's with pink and green lacy panties. She blinked and paused, waiting for whatever she was missing to come to her.

"Right. Pants." she murmured. She fished around in her drawers before emerging triumphantly with a pair of Sasuke's black boxers. She slid those on then covered her green painted toes with a pair of Naruto's orange, frog-printed socks. Now clothed somewhat modestly, the pinkette left her room in search of food.

When she reappeared in her kitchen she noticed Naruto at the table eating ramen.

"G'morning Naruto." she mumbled groggily.

He paid her no mind and continued to slurp up his salty noodles. Sakura gritted her teeth at the blonde's lack of manners but said nothing. Who knew, maybe he just couldn't embrace the morning with a cheery attitude like her. She continued her trek deeper into the kitchen, where her beloved coffee machine lay in wait for it's daily use. After mashing a couple of buttons and an agonizing two minutes, the coffee was done and Sakura gladly welcomed the first sip. The caffeine did its job well as the gears in Sakura's brain began to churn. She enjoyed a few more sips of the black coffee's bold taste before her brain _finally _began to work. The realization was immediate as she glanced at the clock. Nine o'five. Naruto was _never_ out of bed before eleven. The woman quickly back-peddled to the dining room attachment of her kitchen and saw what she missed the first time.

Her living room was destroyed. Books were scattered around the room, pages had been ripped out and were folded into neat little paper planes. Her two bookcases were stacked against each other like a fort and the TV volume blared loudly. A quick glance over her shoulder told her the program playing was a Sailor Moon DVD she had gotten when she was ten. The coffee table had been turned over and the couch chair was placed on top of it. Something shifted in the shadows of the bookcase tipi and the movement was followed by a soft moan. Sakura cocked her head curiously to the side, and Sasuke fell on his chin from under the fort. At closer inspection, she realized her was tied up with the bungee cords she kept in her hall closet and his mouth was covered with duct tape. Two pieces held his eyes open, it was obvious he had been forced to the Sailor Moon DVD that seemed to be on and endless loop before he found cover under the tipi. Sakura crept forward, without warning she ripped off the tape over Sasuke's mouth.

"OUCH!" he yelped. Sakura put a finger to her lips, two fingers on her other hand unconsciously reaching up to rub her temples.

"It's too damn early for this yelling, now, WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MY LIVING ROOM!" She screeched. Sasuke winced at her volume before he paused, leaning forward, as if he was telling a secret.

"Naruto," he whispered dramatically, "sleepwalks!" The pink haired woman blinked dumbly.

"Naruto is eating ramen at the table Sasuke." she explained slowly, as if talking to a small child. He rolled his eyes.

"I know that, he's still asleep." Sakura spun around and watched Naruto closely. He was eating what looked to be his seventh instant cup. A soft snore escaped his lips and Sakura realized his eyes were closed.

"Omigod." she croaked. Sasuke nodded sagely. A thunderous expression overtook Sakura's face, she strode toward the table. She paused in front of Naruto and raised her hand. A small whistle pierced through the air as Sakura's hand came flying.

_**SLAP!**_

"_**AAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!**_"

Satisfied, she strolled back into her room to prepare for the day's job ahead of her. Naruto clutched his stinging cheek, rolling on the floor and screeching profanities. Sasuke smirked.

"That'll teach you to tie me up dobe."

"TEME! What the hell did I do!?"

* * *

Sakura stood behind the cash register with a fake smile plastered to her face.

"Welcome to Walmart, how may I help you?" The man before her had a greying, scruffy beard. He paused to consider her question.

"What kind of cigarette would you recommend doll?" His smile showed off yellowing teeth and gaps where teeth should have been.

"I don't smoke sir." She answered.

"Yeah but if you did, what brand would you want?"

"If I said I didn't smoke, what makes you think I would know any brands."

"Don't yah watch any T.V.? They go n' advertise brands everywhere."

"T.V. rots the mind sir. Now, would you like to chose from the brands behind me?" His eyes shamelessly trailed up her figure. Sakura felt her eyebrow twitch.

"Nah, I make it my priority to choose whatever pretty girls like you say I should. So you got a boyfriend?" She growled.

"How old do you think I am?"

"I reckon about sixteen." Sakura froze and stared at the man, utterly disturbed.

"No. I'm twenty and yes, I do have a boyfriend." He smirked. "I bet ya, I can give ya a much better _time_ than he can."

"I highly doubt that."

"Come on, let me buy you a present. What'cha want doll?"

"Sir it's against policy to buy and sort of 'present' for the workers."

"Come on doll, lemme give ya something." It was Sakura's turn to smirk.

"Alright then, if it's not to much trouble, tampons. Lots and lots of tampons. Oh and make sure they're the heavy kind, mother nature decided to be a little _unforgiving_ this month." The grotesque man recoiled, horrified and sprinted out of the store.

"You forgot your cigarettes!" Sakura called. "Next in line please."

* * *

"Sasuke-teme! Look at this!" Sasuke scowled and made his way to where Naruto was screaming. When he came upon the blonde idiot, his scowl intensified.

"No."

"Yes!"

"No."

"Yes!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NO GODDAMMIT!"

Naruto's grin turned cheeky.

"Yes or I tell Ino you had a rather, _naughty_dream about her." He tsked. "Such foul thoughts should be left in the gutter Sasu-chan."

Sasuke paled. "Fine."

Naruto cheered and rolled a black hot wheels tricycle to Sasuke. It had orange and red flame stickers on the side.

"I hate you."

"Your just jealous I look like a badass right now."

* * *

"Mommy look at that!"

The mother turned to see where her little boy was pointing. There at the end of the aisle was two little boys on tricycles.

Or so she thought.

As they came closer she realized the two 'little' boys looked to be in their late teens. One had spiky yellow hair, while the other had black ruffled hair, both were wearing black shades. They peddled slowly down the lane, the blonde carrying a large boom box on his shoulders. A loud bass beat sounded from the stereo and moments later, the words started.

_"They see me rollin'. They be hatin'. Patrolling they try to catch me ridin' dirty. Try to catch me ridin dirty, try to catch me ridin dirty, try to catch me ridin dirty. My musics so loud..."_

The words faded but the bass was still heard as the boys rounded the corner.

"Cool." The little boy murmurerd. The mother stared blankly.

Around the corner, Sasuke lowered his glasses. "I hate you seriously." He stated. Naruto smirked and bobbed his head to the beat. "I know." They began to pedal towards Sakura.

* * *

The mechanical beep sounded as she scanned the items. Finally the large shopping cart was empty. Sakura smiled pleasantly at the elderly lady in front of her.

"That will be $205.78 mam." The older woman nodded.

"Okay dear let me get my wallet out." Sakura continued to smile and waited patiently. The woman handed her three bills.

"This should be enough deary." Sakura glanced down. Three napkins with the number seven scribbled on them in green.

"Uh, mam, these are napkins. You can't pay with these." Almost as an afterthought she added. "And seven times three is twenty-one." The old woman scowled.

"Oh so your a smart ass are you? Fine I'll get some more money. Brat trying to rob me... Oh and while I'm at it, I need this too." Sakura growled and snatched the item out of the elderly woman's hand. Preparing to scan the item, she glanced down at the box of... CONDOMS?! Sakura choked.

"Uhhhhhh?" The old woman huffed.

"Well get on with it! I need these for tonight." She pointed to a familiar black haired man crouched near a plastic tricycle.

"Me and that sexy man have got a HOT date tonight. And you know how those boys can get." The old bag raised her brows suggestively and Sakura's heart nearly stopped as she recognized the man to be Sasuke. She panicked, oh Kami which first: Call Itachi, call Mikoto-ba, or punish him before seeing eighty year old women became a regular thing. She steeled herself. As a babysitter from the honorable country of Japan, it was her duty to prevent things like this from happening. Whatever _this_ was. She took a deep breath.

"UCHIHA SASUKE!" she screeched. His head jerked up, startled.

"GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE RIGHT THIS INSTANT!" Sasuke had shivered at the frightening tone and got on the tricycle.

"AND LEAVE THE FUCKING TRICYCLE!" He quickly walked over.

"Wh-what?" he stuttered. Sakura snarled.

"Don't give me that shit. Why is this old bag over here buying condoms and saying you have a hot date tonight? What the hell is wrong with you?! I could have sworn you had a thing for Ino but nooooo, you just had to go and prove me wrong by hooking up with some old hag! You are in so much trouble Uchiha!" Naruto, who had come over when Sasuke got called and had stood behind Sakura, burst into hysterical laughter.

"Hahaha- Omigod teme! You- haha- are going with this old hag?! Hahahaha." Sasuke turned bright red but shook his head furiously.

"NO! I don't know this woman! I don't even know what your talking about! I DO have a thing for Ino!" Sakura was still angry but now confused. She turned her head.

"M'am, what were you talking about?" But, the old lady was gone.

One fan girl, who was in line, cried out and pulled out her phone. She quickly dialed and began speaking in a rapid fashion.

"OMG Karin! Sasuke-sama has a thing for some Ino girl! You must come quick!" The trio of friends paled. Seconds later, the entire area of Walmart was surrounded by screaming fan girls.

"YOU BITCH HE'S MINE! BACK OFF!"

"GET AWAY WHORE, SASUKE-SAMA WANTS ME!"

"I'LL KILL YOU ALL IF YOU TOUCH HIM!"

"NO HE WANTS ME! OH PICK ME SASUKE-KUN!" The fan girls' eyes flashed and they slowly turned their heads toward said Uchiha.

"GET HIM!" they screamed in unison.

* * *

Sakura stood in front of her boss. Her clothes were tattered and her hair was mused. A sigh escaped her lips. Sasuke and Naruto stood beside her. Naruto was in the same condition as her but Sasuke was missing his shirt, half his pants, and clumps of his hair. Her boss cleared his throat.

"Ms. Haruno, you have been fired for several reasons. One for the use of profane language. Two, for harassing an elderly citizen who may or may not sue, frighting a customer with talk of _personal, feminine _matters, and finally for starting the largest riot ever seen in Walmart history. You will hand in your vest immediately." Sakura grumbled and handed over the vest.

"Leave the area at once, you are here-by banned." The pinkette huffed.

"Come on Sasuke, Naruto. We need to go get some new clothes and some dinner." The trio linked arms and strolled out of the store.

Like the muthafuckin breakfast club bitch.

* * *

**A clean chapter is a happy chapter and a happy chapter is a happy Kyuu-chan! I hope I don't have to remind you all to review... I'll just let that threat hang in the air for a bit.**


	4. Chapter 4

**YO! Okay, here we have chapter four! Sorry it took so long, I really am a huge lazy ass, but at least it came out! Enjoy everyone!**

**_Disclaimer: No. Just no. :(_  
**

* * *

Like most little girls, Sakura had wanted to be a princess when she was younger. The idea of floor length dresses that twirled with every movement, sparkling jewels, heeled shoes for dainty feet, nail polish of every color, and of course golden tiaras atop her head had enticed the young girl. Naruto and Sasuke had teased her mercilessly about it but nonetheless, she hadn't been able to hide the small girly side that was secretly apart of her. This had led to her best friends trying pick out what was deemed a 'cool princess' to be the pink haired girl's role model. After many observations of different princesses, to many dress up games to count, pulled hair, the destruction of their mother's make-up, and three screaming five year olds later; Ariel the mermaid princess had been chosen. Sakura was happy because the princess sported exotically colored hair like her, and the boys were happy because if the princess was a mermaid that meant she was swimming all the time. Which of course led to the inevitable conclusion that only a five year old could come up with: she was obviously athletic with all that swimming and therefore could play rough and tumble sports with the little tykes.

When the kids had reached middle school, Sakura was still clinging to her childish dream of becoming a mermaid princess. It had taken watching an extremely stupid stranger on some TV show nearly drown in the ocean by strapping their legs together and trying to demonstrate the physics behind a mermaids tail, that made her realize turning into a mermaid was impossible without proper genetic alterations and something not achievable in this time period. So Sakura had decided on the next best thing: becoming the best swimmer in the world. However, this was proved an impossible task for the young teen. She had started to drown after being deposited in the three feet area of the pool because her water wings had popped. After the humiliating event, Sakura abandoned her dream.

Five years later in her sophomore year, Sakura had an epiphany while lounging on a grassy hill with Naruto and Sasuke. Just because she hadn't been able to achieve her dream of being a swimmer, doesn't mean other kids couldn't. With this new philosophy in mind, Sakura became a swimming instructor after taking basic swimming lessons and classes on how to teach. Another five years later and the job remained as one of her many employments.

* * *

Sakura's new alarm clock blared obnoxiously as said girl groaned and rolled out from her plush bed on Tuesday morning. Stretching like a cat, the twenty year old nearly bashed her forehead against her headboard as she realized the clock read six-thirty. She forgot to reset the damn thing, which meant she was up three hours early.

Shit. Just thinking about those lost hours of sleep made her want to cry.

"SASUKE, NARUTO GET UP!" The scream echoed throughout the house. Her grin was positively razors as she heard loud thumps followed by a string of profanities that was impressive in its own right.

Well, she wasn't going to suffer alone.

Sakura thought it was a miracle that her door managed to survive the assault that occurred a moment later in the form of two sleep deprived teenage boys. Sasuke and Naruto burst through her door in their 'pj's'. Their eyes were half glazed from sleep and their hair was tousled so it stuck up in every direction. Naruto was clutching a stuffed frog in one hand, the color of the animal_ might_ have been green, and its head looked damn near close to falling off. Stuffing leaked from its neck in a rather disturbing fashion as Naruto reached up to rub his eye.

The flash that emitted from her camera blinded them momentarily.

Sakura twisted so she was half hanging off the bed upside down.

"Morning boys." she cooed. She looked at the camera and grinned manically.

"Oh! This one's a keeper!" They blinked dumbly.

"Wha?" Sakura snickered.

"Nice pink boxers you two. You're lucky that I'm the only one here, well me and my trusty camera at least." Both glanced down at their sad attempts at doing laundry. Naruto turned bright red while Sasuke grumbled and looked away.

"So mean Sakura-chaaaaaaannnnn!" Naruto whined.

"What the hell Sakura, it's six-thirty in the _morning_!" Sasuke snapped. Sasuke always had a blunt way of getting to the point.

"Yes it is Sasuke-chan, good observation. I knew there was a reason we kept you around!" Sakura had always prided herself on being a smart-ass.

"Sakura-channn, why are we awake? I'm so sleepy! And I was dreaming about ramen, mmmmmm... CAN WE HAVE SOME RAMEN FOR BREAKFAST?!" Naruto was always counted on to ask questions in an idiotic way.

Sighing, Sakura climbed from her bed and stretched. Her already too small and too _tight_ tank-top rode up inch by tantalizing inch, exposing her flat toned stomach and flawless skin while her breasts threatened to spill out of their confinement. She moved towards the doorway, her small boy-shorts framing her round bottom and accenting her impossibly long legs as she practically _skipped_ out to the kitchen. Naruto and Sasuke resembled a tomato and the blonde ramen lover reached up and rubbed the underside of his nose to make sure it wasn't bleeding. Of course neither minded the show (honestly they were nineteen year old boys) but they would rather digest acid and have **Karin**_ **rape**_ them than admit that. Because if they even _thought_ something akin to Sakura and hardly any clothing, then Itachi would find out. Itachi _always_ found out. They didn't know how he did it but he did. Sasuke said his brother had scary mental powers and after experiencing firsthand how scary the Uchiha heir could be, Naruto was on board with the scary powers idea. If the eldest Uchiha brother were to find out they had ogled his scantily clad girlfriend, he would use said mental powers to totally mind fuck their brains and kill them. And both boys enjoyed living thank you very much. So they exited the room with blushes that seemed permanently painted on their faces while they cursed Sakura's tendency to be a seductive bitch when she didn't get enough sleep and prayed that Itachi's mind powers didn't really exist.

In all it was just a normal morning in the Haruno household.

* * *

For the first time since Sasuke and Naruto had started staying over that week, breakfast was relatively uneventful. They had all enjoyed a breakfast buffet of sorts, exchanged rather crude jokes (but jokes nonetheless), and Sakura had been able to take a long relaxing shower before getting ready for work. After coming out of her room in a swimsuit and swim shorts, Sasuke and Naruto had wondered if they needed to buy a swimsuit on their way. Surprisingly running late, Sakura had rushed them out the door saying there was always extra swimsuits for employees laying around that they could use. Little did she know that this would be a big mistake.

Pulling into the parking lot for '_Swimmy's swimming school', _Sakura herded Naruto and Sasuke out of the car and into the humid building. She sprinted past other employees, ran over an old janitor (Sakura had never liked the old woman anyways), and catapulted herself over to the wall, just in time to clock-in. Naruto and Sasuke applauded her for an impressive display of athletics. She bowed deeply and proceeded to drag her two friends towards the locker rooms. She presented them with a box full of various men's swimwear.

"Change, when you're done just call me and I'll come get you." she commanded. Naruto saluted.

"Roger that Sakura-chan!" Sasuke slapped him upside the head. Sakura thought about saying something but she just sighed and turned away, praying to Kami-sama that today she wouldn't be fired.

Silly Sakura, Kami only answers the good citizens prayers.

As Sakura trudged off, Naruto and Sasuke disappeared into the locker room. Once inside, they began to root through the box in search of swim wear. Naruto cried out triumphantly as he pulled out a pair of yellow trunks but his excitement quickly morphed into disappointment as he realized that the trunks were actually a towel. A towel that was yellow because of suspicious looking stains on it. He set it aside and continued his search. After five minutes, they had nearly emptied the box and neither had a swimsuit. Spotting a pair of trunks at the same time, both lunged for it. Naruto reached it first and knocked Sasuke away. He grinned victoriously and held his prize in the air.

"Naruto 1 Sasuke 0!" he chanted. Sasuke scowled and looked back in the box. The single remaining article of clothing left inside had him scrambling to get the trunks from Naruto, but the dobe had already put them on. He grit his teeth in frustration. Naruto walked over.

"No need to be a sore-loser Sasuke-teme just get another swimsuit..." the blonde trailed off as he peeked into the box.

"Don't. Say. A. Fucking. Word. Dobe." Naruto collapsed on the floor of the locker room and laughed. Sasuke glared at him but the silent threat was lost on the blonde. Naruto rolled around clutching his spleen and choked when Sasuke kicked him in the stomach.

"O-omigosh pft. Come on Sasuke-teme pfffttt, put it on!" He laughed even harder as Sasuke turned red. Either with rage or mortification Naruto would never know.

"Like hell I'll put this on!"

"You don't have a choice, Sakura-chan will drag you out of here with or without clothes on, heh heh heh, I'd get something to cover yourself up if I were you." Sasuke growled and lunged at his alleged 'best friend'. The two exchanged punches and kicks all the while screaming insults and profanities.

"Just put the damn thing on and stop being such a girl!"

"Why don't you put it on then?"

"I already have a swimsuit bastard!"

"Then trade with me dumbass!"

"Like hell I will!"

Both went silent when the locker room door nearly split open with a sickening bang.

"NARUTO SASUKE! You both better be in swimsuits by the time I count to three or so help me Kami I will cut your heads off!"

Naruto grinned evilly at Sasuke and tossed him the swimsuit. Sasuke grimaced as he looked at a very small and very green speed-o. He internally mourned the loss of his pride.

Two minutes later, both boys emerged and Sakura sighed in silent relief as she saw that neither had any black eyes or broken bones. Then she saw what Sasuke was wearing. Her face turned a bit red as she tried to hold her breath and not laugh.

"S-sasuke, what exactly are you wearing?"

"What the hell do you think Sakura?" he snapped. She blinked owlishly.

"Well, you might as well have signed your death warrant going around wearing that." Now it was Sasuke's turn to blink.

"Why's that?" he questioned. Sakura fidgeted nervously.

"..."

"What did you say?"

"I said, Karin's on lifeguard duty today." That sent Sasuke clawing at the locker room door and Naruto into another fit of laughter. Sakura wrapped her arms around Sasuke's waist and tried to pull him away from the door.

"GODDAMMIT SASUKE STOP BEING SUCH A FUCKING HUSSY AND MAN UP ALREADY!"

With Naruto's help, the two managed to retrieve Sasuke from the door and drag him down to the pool area. Sakura probably should have felt some sort of sympathy for one of her best friends but in all honesty, after this week she would probably ignore the two for a month. No relatively sane person should have to deal with the hell themed nightmare she's going through. At the moment, Sasuke could be publicaly raped by her deranged cousin for all she cared. Sakura was just done.

She internally groaned at the fact that the week wasn't even half way through.

Just to spite Sasuke, Sakura kicked open the door to the pool and sung, "KARRRRIIIINNNNNN, GUESS WHAT YOUR FAVORITE COUSIN GOT YOU!"

Sasuke whimpered like a kicked puppy, actually more like a puppy that was beaten to half to death and then thrown into a habitat of much larger predators. Naruto whistled.

"Damn Sakura-chan thats just cold." She turned to him with a sickeningly sweet grin.

"Well there has to be some way to keep you two from getting me fired!" She put two fingers in her mouth and whistled.

"OI, SINGLE LADIES, THERES TWO ATTRACTIVE MALES IN HARDLY ANY CLOTHES RIGHT HERE! CONE AND GET EM!"

The fan girls came faster than lighting with Karin leading the pack. They were shredding and ripping at whatever they could touch. There were moans and screams as well as shrieks of triumph. Sakura smiled at her handywork an manuvered over to the shallow side of the pool to teach her class. Naruto and Sasuke's screams for mercy echoed around the pool area.

* * *

In higndsight, it probably was **not** a good idea to just throw Sasuke and Naruto to the dogs wearing _swimsuits_ Sakura mused. In fact, what the hell had she been thinking? Of course something was just bound to happen, like the ripped swimsuits, Naruto and Sasuke being 'exposed', as well as Sasuke and Naruto actually getting raped this time. Then there was her traumatized class of five year old students to account for, and the property damages bill she had recieved for cracking the wooden door to the mens locker room. Add a traumatized Naruto and Sasuke to the mix, the bill she was bound to recieve for their therapy, not to mention a hospital bill becuase she had nailed Karin right in the face when she had raped Sasuke. Oh, lets not forget the dark-haired chick's hospital bill, Sakura broke her leg when the she-menace raped Naruto. Then there would be _paperwork_ to fill out because yes, she had gotten fired _again_. (Really, if she hadn't been fired she would have just quit, because her manager would have had quite a few screws lose.)

However...

Out of all the mishaps and accidents she really should have accounted for, the one thing Sakura did not expect to happen, happened. She did not see it coming, nor did anyone for that matter, the idea itself seemed so illogical.

They burned down "_Swimmy's Swimming School._"

They fucking burned it to the ground. There was absolutely nothing left. At least Sakura's property damage bill got taken care of.

The one thing Sakura didn't understand though was: How in the **HELL** did they manage to burn down a building filled to the brim with **WATER**?! They fucking burned a building with at least four pools in it!

Sakura sighed, at this point she didn't even care. As soon as it had gotten messy, (like the building was on fucking fire and neither Naruto nor Sasuke had anything covering their *ahem* 'nether regions') Sakura had grabbed her friends, threw them in the car, and sped down the road to her apartment. No one knew her name, and Sasuke was on untouchable terms with the cops, so they were safe; for the time being. Now Salura sat staring at the wall blankly while Naruto and Sasuke slept off their traumatic events.

"Fuck, tomarrow is Wednesday." She groaned and covered her head wth her hands.

Wanting to be a princess is stupid, she realized. Wanting to take a job helping others learn how to swim is even stupider. Willingly calling over dozens of scantily clad fangirls so they could keep Naruto and Sasuke 'out of trouble' was proabably the stupidest thing Sakura had ever done in her entire life.

Oh how she dreaded the rest if the days to come.

* * *

**Well, there we have it kiddies! Chapter four is DONE! Yayayayay! Okay so you all absolutley have to review this chapter in order to motivate me to write the next. Also when I actually finish this, I'll probably go in and edit the first few chapters or so to make it a bit better, so you all have that to look forward to. I hope I made you guys laugh really hard! Sorry if there's any grammer errors. If you're not satisifed you can just sue me by calling this toll-free number: 555-IDONT-GIVEAFUCK :P heh heh I can be bitchy yes? In all seriousness though, critisicm is accepted so don't be afraid to say something if you think there's something I should adress. Just don't go overboard kay? Well that's all I have to say, I look forward to your reviews! :)**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hello everyone! Here it is chapter five! Guess who got her laptop fixed? KYUU-CHAN DID! tehe, that means more frequent updates my lovely readers! Merry Christmas to all! This is my Christmas present to you guys so I hope you enjoy! :)**

_**Disclaimer: Obviously I speak fluent Japanese, live in a very nice house somewhere in Japan, and am a guy. I'm sorry guys I've lied this whole time... I DO own Naruto. -_-**_

* * *

Sakura worked at bank on Wednesdays. There was no real reason for this. There was no childhood dream involved like when she worked at Swimmy's, no attachments to the job for coupons like Victoria's Secret, and no _'it's the american experience'_ feeling like Wal-Mart. Sakura worked at a bank because she wanted the job and it paid well. In all honesty she rather enjoyed the job and thought it was one of the good things about the week.

However, when she roused herself from bed an hour late, found out her hot water had been turned off, broke her favorite spatula in half (_no not the spatula goddamnit!_), and had to literally drag Naruto and Sasuke out of bed; she had the feeling this day would be following the pattern laid out oh so carefully by the previous days.

Fan-fucking-tastic.

Breakfast wasn't to terribly horrifying. It was rushed and that had resulted in a broken cabinet and many broken dishes but that was alright. Her livingroom was still destroyed from Naruto's little sleep-walking episode two days prior and her bedroom door barley hung on its hinges properly after the assault it received from Naruto and Sasuke. Sakura considered moving into another apartment soon.

Preferably one less, _broken_.

Anyways, the drive to the bank had been rather uneventful as well. Naruto was uncharacteristically quiet; and Sasuke, well he was quiet in general. Both boys were still traumatized from the 'Great Rape Escape' as Sakura had dubbed it. No one had actually escaped without being raped but the name was still fun.

Naruto cowered at everything that resembled a female, which strangely enough happened to be every single freaking thing they passed! Honestly, Sakura did not want to know what went on in that perverted head of his to make a fire hydrant resemble a woman! It was honestly the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard of- oh, wait now she saw it.

As she passed a coffee-house, she wondered if her boys wanted some coffee to cheer up.

"Naruto, Sasuke, do you guys want some coffee?" She asked softly, there was no use in scaring them with a loud tone after all.

"C-coffee?" Naruto stuttered, as if he was learning how to speak for the first time.

Sakura rolled her eyes.

"Yes Naruto, coffee."

Both boys nodded their requests and Sakura pulled into the drive-through of the coffee shop. However when they went to order, a woman's voice sounded from the order box.

"A WOMAN A WOMAN! GET HER AWAY SAKURA-CHAN!" Naruto screamed repeatedly. Sakura yelled back to shut up (because she wanted some fucking coffee for Pete's sake!) but then Sasuke started whispering to himself in a panicky tone and shaking like a squirrel on christmas crack. Eye twitching, Sakura growled and sped out of the parking lot.

_Just calm down Haruno, they've had a traumatic experience. Remember your highschool psychology courses. The trauma should wear off soon. You can't be mad at your best friends for something that's pretty much your fault. You just need to help them get through their newfound fear of women. I mean it shouldn't be to hard after all, you're a perfectly gorgeous woman who-_

...

Sakura slammed on the gas pedal and the car lurched forward. Naruto screamed in a high-pitched voice and Sasuke yelped "What the fuck?!"

However their panic was lost on the pinkette as she suddenly jerked the wheel to the side, hit the brakes, and executed a donut that had them spinning into an abandoned parking lot and many other cars honking and screaming profanities at them.

When the car halted, both boys trembled as Sakura stared at them blankly and calmly.

"SO I'M NOT FUCKING PRETTY ENOUGH IS THAT IT? OR IS IT THAT I DON'T HAVE AS BIG AS BREASTS AS SOME OTHER CHICKS? OR IS IT BECAUSE I SOMETIMES WEAR YOUR CLOTHES? SO YOU GUYS ARE TURNED OFF BY CROSS DRESSING HUH? WELL THAT'S FUCKING FANTASTIC FOR YOU TWO BUT I'LL HAVE YOU IDIOTS KNOW THAT I'M ONE BADASS SEXY PIECE OF ASS THAT MEN WOULD KILL TO HAVE!" She raged, so really she wasn't all that calm.

Naruto and Sasuke cowered, having no idea what the hell was going on. However Sasuke, being the smarter one, came up with a conclusion quickly.

"Sakura it's not like that!" He covered frantically.

"Yeah Sakura-chan there's nothing wrong with your boobs! They're awesome!" Naruto spoke enthusiastically. Sasuke slapped him upside the head.

"Not helping _at all_ dobe!" he turned back to the enraged pinkette. "We're just used to your presence that's all! It's not that we don't think of you as a woman!"

She sneered. "Don't lie to me Uchiha."

He shook his head rapidly thinking this was the most horrible time for his pink haired friend to succumb to stress and assume the absolute worst.

"Not lying!" He squeaked.

She appraised him for a moment then got out of the car. She calmly walked to the front of her car, stood in front of the hood, and then raised her fist and slammed it into the hood. A large dent was left in her wake. Sasuke and Naruto swallowed hard. Sakura returned to the car and cracked her knuckles.

"You'll both do well to remember how feminine I am."

Both bobbed their heads frantically.

"You'll also do well to remember that I was in several gangs in the past."

Another nod and Sasuke spoke.

"Of course Sakura! You're such a nurturing and delicate soul, fit only for the serenest of scenes!"

"Yeah Sakura-chan, you put flowers to shame with your beauty!"

"You're damn right I do."

The rest of the ride was quiet except for Naruto's occasional comment about ramen and Sakura happily humming jingle bells.

* * *

When they arrived at the bank, Sakura was considerably calmer and she guided her two friends in through the employee entrance.

"Morning Hatsana-san." she greeted a middle-aged woman who sat in front of one of the windows.

"Ah Sakura-san! Where's your boyfriend?"

"He's working Hatsana-san, these two behind me are my friends Naruto and Sasuke."

"What handsome boys they are!"

"THANKS BAA-SAN!" Naruto yelled. Sakura paled a bit and glanced over to the older woman.

*SMACK* Naruto yelped loudly and clutched his head.

"That'll teach you to call me grandma you disrespectful punk!" Hatsana yelled. Sakura smacked her head, it was going to be a long day.

* * *

Apparently she jinxed herself when she said Naruto's trauma from the "Great Rape Escape" would wear off. He got over it much to quickly in Sakura's opinion.

"Sakura-chan, how many quarters are in an american dollar?"

"Sakura-chan, how many yen are in an american dollar?"

"Sakura-chan, how much is a yen worth in America?"

"Sakura-chan, how much is a dollar worth here?"

"Sakura-chan, do you know any other currencies?"

"Sakura-chan, how many ¥500 coins go into a ¥10,000 banknote?"

"Sakura-chan, what's a nickel?"

"Sakura-chan, do you do a lot of counting at this job?"

"Sakura-chan! I learned how to count by fives just now! Is that what a nickel is for?"

It never fucking stopped!

The questions, Oh Kami the questions. Sakura would be stuck hearing her blonde friend's voice in her head for years and years to come. How in the hell was she supposed to know what a nickel was?! She didn't live in America! Just because she worked at a bank doesn't mean she knew about different currencies! It was the national bank of Tokyo, where _japanese_ currency was used!

As annoyed as she was, at least Naruto _said_ something! Sasuke just sat in the back like a creepy little emo elf glaring at her because she wouldn't stop women under the age of twenty-five from staring at him!

Get over it Sasuke! Eye-candy is fucking important to a girl! At least he can't be reached through the sturdy plastic that was reassuringly stretched from one little box wall to the other.

"Sakura-chan, where does all the money in the world go?"

_*twitch* _

It never ends.

* * *

After seemingly endless questions from Naruto, Sasuke's glares and grumbles, fangirls drooling on her counter (she had to sanitize it at least 45 times in the past hour!), Sakura was done.

One more question, glare, grumble, or bit of saliva, just ONE FREAKING MORE; and Sakura was going to blow. And by Kami it was _not_ going to be pretty.

Unfortunately for Sakura, Karma decided it wasn't quite done bitch slapping her.

"ALRIGHT! EVERYONE'S HANDS IN THE AIR NOW!" A masked man screamed while waving an extremely large AK-47 in the air. Sakura twitched while everyone else screamed and put their hands up.

Seriously, where in the _hell_ do criminals find guns that big! They're _criminals_ for crying out loud, who would give them a gun?!

Women and children were crying while men trembled in fear. Naruto and Sasuke stared at Sakura with fear.

"Sakura-chan, put your hands up!" Naruto whispered. Hatsana pressed the silent alarm button with her knee and trembled as she looked at the pink haired woman who refused to put her hands up.

"Hey! Girl did you hear me? I said put your goddamn hands up!"

* * *

There were days when Itachi worked as police chief at the station next to the National Bank of Tokyo. It was unusual for a station to have two police chiefs but since his father was out-of-town, Itachi ran the station this week. No one minded, Itachi was a respectable if not terrifying man.

He had been peacefully doing paperwork when the alarm went off. He knew that alarm, it was the alarm for an armed robbery at the bank across the street.

...

The bank where Sakura was working today who also happened to have his younger brother and friend with her.

"Fuck!" he yelled as he ran down the stairs and out the door already dressed and with his gun as his friend cousin Shisui and uncle Madara followed him, hot on his heels.

"Itachi?" His cousin questioned.

"Saukra, Sasuke and Naruto are at that bank."

His cousin and uncle cursed and all three made their way to the bank with the whole force right behind them.

When they arrived, they saw a masked man pointing a gun at Sakura's pink head while screaming, "PUT YOUR GODDAMN HANDS UP!" through the multiple open doors. The entire police squad was silent, the man had a temporary hostage so they couldn't just barge in. The man continued to scream at Sakura as she wouldn't put her hands up. Itachi saw Sakura twitch and Naruto and Sasuke tremble in fear.

"Don't do anything stupid Sakura! Don't do anything stupid!" He prayed.

* * *

Sakura was not a happy camper, first this maniac prances in here with a damn machine gun, starts screaming his head off, and further ruins her already sour mood. Then the bastard had the audacity to point his big flashy gun at her head! Her motherfucking head! She twitched, if this guy didn't back off Sakura was seriously gonna explode.

"Did you hear me you dumb bitch? Put your hands in the air!"

_Bitch?!_

_OH NO HE FUCKING DIDN'T!_

* * *

_"Did you hear me you dumb bitch? Put your hands in the air!"_

"Oh no." Itachi said.

"Itachi, did he just...?" He nodded. Shisui gulped.

"Sakura's about to come unglued."

Itachi nodded his agreement and both Itachi and Shisui shivered. Though Itachi's was less obvious. Madara was clueless.

"What-" but he was interrupted.

* * *

"DID YOU JUST CALL ME A BITCH?!" Sakura screamed. The man jumped but quickly adjusted his gun.

"QUIET PINKY! I SWEAR I'LL SHOOT!"

"YOU'LL SHOOT? YOU'LL SHOOT?! NO, I'M GOING TO FUCKING SHOOT MY FUCKING INVISBLE GUN IF YOU DON'T SHUT THE HELL UP AND POINT THAT DAMN GUN SOMEWHERE ELSE LIKE AWAY FROM MY HEAD!" The man visibly tensed at Sakura's outburst, obviously not expecting resistance, he moved his hand to pull the trigger but Sakura was quicker.

By quicker, that meant lifting the large, 40 pound metal chair she had to sit in all day, over her head, chucking it with all her might at the man and screaming in rage. It shattered the supposedly sturdy plastic window and didn't lose a bit of its momentum as it smashed into the man. Sakura stomped over to him and snatched his gun.

"DID YOU JUST TRY TO FUCKING SHOOT ME?! YOU ASSHOLE, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'VE BEEN DEALING WITH ALL DAY, NO ALL WEEK?" She yelled as she waved the gun around wildly. People in the bank cowered in fear of the obviously deranged psycho who was apparently more dangerous than the previously armed robber.

"Go Sakura-chan!" Naruto cheered. Sasuke slapped him.

"Dobe shut up!" He hissed.

"NARUTO, YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD AND I'LL SET THE DAMN RAMEN STAND ON FIRE!" Naruto whimpered.

"Please have mercy!" The masked man pleaded. Dropping the gun, Sakura bent down, yanked the man up and proceeded to strangle him.

"MERCY, MERCY?! ARE YOU INSANE? DID I GET ANY MERCY FROM FANGIRLS, ANNOYING PEOPLE, THOSE GODDAMN QUESTIONS, AND LOSING MY SANITY? NO! WHY THE HELL SHOULD I SHOW MERCY?" She shrieked with rage as she shook him back and forth.

* * *

"Oh." Madara said intelligently. Shisui nodded and glanced at Itachi.

"I don't know how Itachi manages to tame that temper." Madara nodded and was about to say something but Itachi cut him off.

"I think it's time we intervened, the bank robber is turning blue."

* * *

After prying Sakura's hands from the bank robbers throat and taking said man into custody, Itachi sat his girlfriend down to have a long talk with her.

"You're not allowed to work anymore." He stated. Sakura pouted.

"Why! I'm great at my jobs!" Itachi raised an eyebrow and Sakura scowled.

"Shut up."

"I didn't say anything Sakura." She stuck her tongue out at him.

"You will be moving in with me at the mansion immediately."

"Is this supposed to be the next big step in our relationship? Because your being terribly unromantic." He smirked at her.

"What if I said I had a _surprise_ for you tonight?"

"That could be anything from drugs to taking pictures of Sasuke in Hello Kitty lingerie and selling them to his fangirls Itachi. Be more specific." He chuckled.

"Trust me you'll enjoy it."

"That's still very vague."

"Sasuke and Naruto will need to be in the rooms all the way down the hall. They may want some earplugs if they plan on getting any sleep."

"I like where this is going Uchiha."

"Also as of now, you're engaged."

"You can't just decide this! You don't know that I would say yes!"

"Yes I do."

"Bastard."

"You still have to watch Naruto and Sasuke for the rest of this week."

"GODDAMMIT!"

* * *

**Chapter five, END! Poor Sakura-chan, she didn't even make it through the whole week. Haha did any of you guys get worried in the middle and think I was turning this into a chapter with actual drama and a plot? No! Hehe I think when Sakura threw that chair at the bank robber you all got the hint this was still crack with a vague resemblance to a plot! Anyways, read the message below because it's very important.**

**REVIEW OR I SWEAR TO GOD I WON'T POST A CHAPTER WITH THE WEDDING AND ALL THE DISASTERS AND HUMOR JUST WAITING TO HAPPEN! Tehe thanks guys MERRY CHRISTMAS! :)**


	6. Chapter 6

**HELLO EVERYONE! HERE WE ARE! THE FINAL CHAPTER OF _BRING YOUR PET TO WORK DAY! _**

**Wow I can't believe this is the final chapter! This is the first chapter story I've actually finished! Granted it's basically crack but nonetheless, it's still a multi-chaptered story! *sniffle* they grow up so fast! DX! Anyways a big thank you to everyone who has stuck with me since I started! This is dedicated to all of you! I'll make sure to make this chapter super fun as a grand finale! WE'LL GO OUT WITH A BANG! Without further ado, the thing you've all been waiting for...**

**THE DISCLAIMER! (that is why you guys read this right?)**

**_Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, all problems would be solved the way they're _****supposed****_ to be solved in the ninja world, with a trusty kunai through the chest. Because sometimes, trying to talk your way through international disaster and war while telling someone they're basically retarded for thinking the way they do... Well, it tends to piss people off._**

**_HEY READ THIS! ES MUY IMPORTANTE! _**

**Before reading the chapter, go on youtube and search: _MMD (OP)PAI RANGERS _and click on the video posted by _biribiribitch._ The video is a vocaloid song. Be sure to watch it or a certain part of this story will be totally lost on you and it won't make any sense. So yeah, watch it then read or else you'll be missing out on something that will be totally funny.**

* * *

Weddings are supposed to be a time of joy, happiness and union. Blushing brides marry the one they want to spend the rest of their life with, surrounded by the people who love and support them. Handsome grooms think about the sex that will happen later on that night. The best man thinks of how hot the maid of honor is. The maid of honor ignores the best man but secretly thinks he's hot. The mother-in-law thinks of ways to torment the new bride. The father tries really, _really_ hard not to think about the fact that his daughter won't be 'pure' after that night. In all, it's an everlasting tradition that brings together love and family.

A wedding has beautiful decorations and they give off a feel of elegance. Everything goes over perfect on a wedding day. It's as if the Kami's themself surround a wedding with a barrier that prevents bad things from happening, warding off any bad luck or karma.

But apparently, Sakura had done something in a past life to really piss off the Kamis.

Either that or the devil himself decided to split his soul in half and purposely reincarnate himself into Naruto and Sasuke for shits and giggles.

Really, considering the hectic week Sakura had gone through just a few months ago, that would be forever engraved in her mind, she _should_ have known better than to have a big wedding and invite everyone. Especially _those_ two. Hell, she _did_ know better.

To top it all off, in a spur of the moment decision where she was probably deliriously high, she gave those two pyschos she called best friends, an irreplaceable part in her wedding. Damn her soft spot for them.

She _should_ have just grabbed Itachi and hightailed it to that American tourist spot, Las Vegas, while she had the chance.

But nooooo, she just had to hang a hypothetical giant neon sign on her neck that said "BITE MY ASS KAMI!"

* * *

Four thirty. Four-fucking-thirty in the goddamn morning was when Sakura was dragged from her _warm_, and _comfortable_ bed by Ino and Hinata, her alleged best friends.

Bitches.

"Come on forehead! You're getting married today!"

"Fuck off and let me sleep pig."

"Like hell I will. I need to make that thing you call a face actually look presentable for this special day."

"Bitch."

"And damn proud of it."

"I-ino-chan! Sakura-c-chan! Your language!" Hinata stuttered while blushing in mortification. Ino tried to look somewhat close to being sorry while Sakura just grunted.

"Sorry Hina-chan. But really it's not like you haven't heard it before." Ino's eyes took on a mischievous glint. "No, actually I think you've used them before, _especially_ when you're in the bedroom with K-" The rest of Ino's sentence was cut off as Hinata tried to strangle her. In the meantime, Sakura went back to sleep. Because it was four-fucking-thirty a.m. for Kami's sake. Ino noticed the lack of reaction from her pink haired friend and promptly slapped her upside the head. Sakura growled ferociously but remained snuggled under the blankets, killing the desired feral effect. Her pale hand ventured out from under the large red comforter, tapping the other side of the bed curiously, as if she were searching for something.

"Where's 'Tachi?" She mumbled, her voice muffled by the pillow she was currently smothering herself with. Ino giggled at the childish nickname before she clapped a hand over her mouth in horror.

"FOREHEAD! YOU SLEEP IN THE SAME BED?!"

"Ah." She replied, the monosyllabic word grating on Ino's nerves. It seems Itachi had been teaching his soon-to-be wife some bad habits. Hinata gasped at the revelation.

"Have you- OMIGOSH YOU AREN'T A VIRGIN!" Hinata fainted while Ino continued to scream.

"OMIGOD! YOUR WEDDING DRESS IS ALL WRONG NOW! WE'LL HAVE TO CHANGE THE COLOR! WE CAN'T HAVE YOU WEARING WHITE! BUT THEN EVERYONE WOULD KNOW! UGH DAMN YOU TAINTED WOMAN!"

"Ino, this _is_ Itachi we're talking about." Sakura stated as if that was a Shakespearean worthy declaration on why she wasn't a virgin. Ino thought for a moment and decided that did in fact explain it, not that she was about to let Sakura know that though.

"But you're supposed to wait until you're married to do that Forehead!" she whined. Honestly, did Sakura have no shame?

Well, it _was_ Itachi.

Damn that Adonis-like man.

Sakura waved her hand flippantly in dismissal.

"Who the hell is still a virgin nowadays anyways pig? Sex is sex."

It was at that moment Ino saw an unhealthy amount of Sakura's mother in her best friend.

She shuddered in horror as she remembered the silver-haired woman forcibly dressing up a nineteen year old Sakura as a hooker for Halloween two years ago.

"_CHA SAKURA-CHAN! ITACHI WONT BE ABLE TO RESIST YOU LIKE THAT! GO GET MOMMY SOME PRETTY GRANDCHILDREN NOW OR I'LL DISOWN YOU! And tell Itachi-kun hello for me!_"

As sweet as she was, Haruno Saya tended to stray from the side of good morals.

Trying to forget the memory, Ino yelled at Sakura.

"Sakura how can you say that so casually! How long have you two been doing these sort of inappropriate activities?!"

Sakura paused to think.

"How long have Itachi and I been seeing each other?"

Ino facepalmed.

"Two years."

"Oh." Sakura mumbled thoughtfully. "Well subtract a week or two from those two years, that's your answer. In fact, it was probably around that Halloween when my mother dressed me up." Ino shrieked while Hinata, who had woken up a second ago, blushed bright red.

"You stayed together even though your relationship was that unstable!? You were nineteen for Kami's sake!"

"Actually Ino, at first I think we stayed together _because_ of the sex. And I _was_ legal then."

"You give me headaches forehead! HEADACHES!"

"Mah." Ino growled, threw the bed covers to the floor and yanked her friend out of bed like a rag doll. Sakura tumbled to the ground in all of her pink haired glory, looking much like a cat forced to take a bath in cold water. Since she was only clad in a revealing nightgown, Sakura shivered and went clawing for the bed.

"Now now forehead none of that, we need to get you ready!" Ino tsked as she grabbed Sakura's waist. Sakura made a sound that sounded like a whine.

"Can't I sleep Hina-chan?" She asked her dark-haired friend, knowing she was an easier target.

"Sorry Sakura-chan, suck it up." Sakura looked at Hinata as if she'd grown two heads. Apparently Hinata had found out now was the perfect time to grow a backbone and beat the shit out of her with it. The pink haired woman sighed.

"Coffee?" She moaned pitifully. Ino and Hinata exchanged a glance before Ino turned to her friend with an evil grin.

"Nope!" Sakura sighed.

"What a fucked up world this is." With that statement, Ino and Hinata proceeded to drag the bride-to-be down the stairs, while she was still wearing her lacy nightgown mind you, and into the waiting car outside.

* * *

Sakura really didn't understand _why_ it was such a big deal, but apparently it was an unspoken rule that getting a bride ready for her wedding took _at least_ seven hours. She didn't get the reasoning behind it, because really, it couldn't be anymore difficult than putting on pants. However when she was thrown into the car, she understood.

"So they already got to you huh?" Naruto's head rolled over in her general direction while sleep clouded eyes tried to pin-point her location. Sasuke scowled at her 'outfit' and threw his jacket over her. When she questioned his motives, he murmured something about liking his testicles and Itachi being a scary-ass bastard.

Whatever that was supposed to mean.

"Sakura-chan? Why're we here?" Sakura sighed at the question, he must have asked this at least twenty times in the past five minutes.

"Because as my maids of honor, you guys have to help me get ready while in turn getting ready yourselves." Naruto scratched his head in confusion.

"Get ready for what?" He mumbled sleepily.

"My wedding Naruto." She deadpanned.

"YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED? SINCE WHEN? I SHOULD HAVE HEARD ABOUT THIS SOONER!"

"Dobe we've been planning this with her for the past eight months!"

"Will there be ramen?"

"NO!"

So this is why it would take seven hours. They would probably have to spend at least an hour re-explaining to Naruto that yes, she was getting married; an hour to make sure her maids of honor didn't get into a fight and kill each other; Kami knows how long for Sakura to get in her dress; and most likely another hour to explain to Naruto and Sasuke that, no it was not in fact okay to eat ramen at the altar and act emo when the preist was trying to talk.

Hell at this rate, they would need all day.

* * *

Since they were guys, Naruto and Sasuke had to change in the room with Itachi and his group of friends who had been fondly dubbed, 'the Akatsuki'.

"Sasuke-teme, how am I supposed to tie this tie?" The occupants of the room looked at Naruto strangely.

"You don't know how to tie a tie?" Kisame asked.

"TOBI CAN TIE HIS SHOES!" Guess who.

"Wow, are you fucking retarded or something?" Hidan sneered. Naruto snarled.

"Shut up!" Sasuke sighed and went to tie the dobe's tie before a fight broke out.

"Honestly dobe, how do you not know how to tie a tie?" With a few quick movements, Sasuke had tied the troublesome tie and was currently adjusting it to fit Naruto. He straightened it one last time and stepped back. It was quiet for a few minutes.

"That looked really gay un." Deidara commented.

"Yeah it fucking did. Like some girly house wife straightening the man's fucking tie before work or some shit like that."

"Well they _are_ the maids of honor. I knew there was a reason Sakura-chan picked them." Kisame pointed out helpfully. Naruto saw red and Sasuke twitched violently. The two looked at each other and promptly stepped a few feet away from each other.

"I'M NOT GAY!" They screamed in sync.

"Wow, they even have that creepy talking in sync thing down that couples do un." Deidara taunted.

"Like you're one to talk Deidara, you do the same thing with Sasori all the time."

"Don't drag me into this Kisame."

"I'm not the gay one here un!"

"Well you do take better care of your hair than most girls idiot."

"Shut up you chicken-assed bastard un."

"HEY! Only _I_ can call Sasuke-teme a bastard! Find your own damn insult!"

"Ha! You even have a pet name for the little Uchiha! This totally proves you're gay for him!"

"Shut up you damn shark-face!"

"You're all fucking retarded! This is why Jashin-sama would never accept you!"

"Stop bringing your damn psycho god into conversations completely irelevant to the subject Hidan! Jashin has nothing to do with this un!"

"Don't talk bad about Jashin-sama you fucktard pansy!"

"Deidara-sempai, what does 'gay' mean?"

"Not now Tobi, un."

"BUT TOBI WANTS TO KNOW!"

"Stop fucking coddling the kid you pansy. You're like his damn mother."

"GAAAAAYYYYYY!" Kisame sang. Deidara turned purple.

"I'm not the gay one here! It's those two!"

"WE'RE NOT GAY!"

As the insults increased, so did the volume at which they were spoken. The room was so loud, it was impossible to hear oneself think. The last thing that stood out was an insult Deidara threw at Naruto, then it all went downhill.

Naruto's fist swung to hit Deidara. The blonde Akatsuki grinned maniacally and stepped to the side. Leaving Naruto's fist to crash into Hidan. Everyone was quiet as they watched blood drip out of Hidan's now broken nose. After a few looks were exchanged, the five males involved in the dramatic argument came to a unanimous decision.

"CHARGE (un)!" Was the loud command that echoed around the room. Naruto, Sasuke, Deidara, Kisame, and Hidan all leapt forward and began to pummel the shit out of each other while Tobi stood off to the side, squealing when a body was thrown ti close. Itachi and Sasori stood off to the side, occasionally sidestepping the random punch.

"You better take care of my baby cousin Uchiha."

"Hn."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Sasori, this day is my wedding day is it not?"

"Yes."

"And weddings typically go over well without any major disturbances correct?"

"Yes."

"Then why do I have the feeling that something catastrophic is going to happen later on today?" Sasori's amber eyes scanned the fight before them lazily.

"I can't possibly imagine why you would have that feeling Itachi." He drawled.

"Sakura is eventually going to blow a fuse today, isn't she?"

"Most likely." Itachi sighed.

"It will most likely happen because of those idiots she calls friends, won't it?"

"Probably."

"HEY YOU BASTARD! YOU MESSED UP MY DAMN TIE!"

"HA THAT PROVES IT! I KNEW YOU WERE GAY UN!"

"I'M NOT GAY DAMMIT!"

"TOBI WANTS TO KNOW WHAT GAY IS!"

* * *

"Sakura-chan?" Our favorite blonde idiot, with a newly straightened tie, asked as he poked his head into the dressing room. The room was empty. Naruto proceeded to enter the room fully and looked around.

"She's probably showering dobe, she still has a few hours left." Sasuke stated as he strolled in like a boss. Naruto hummed in understanding and crept closer to the stand where the wedding dress was on display. The beautiful floor length gown was as white as white got. It was open in the back, dipped down low in the front, and had a slight similarity to the style of a kimono.

Yep that sounded like Sakura, as low as she could get without flashing everyone in a church. From the waist down, the dress poofed out slightly but not much. It also didn't have multiple layers of fabric like most wedding dresses did, just a few for the poof look.

As Naruto basked in the glory of the wedding dress, something caught his eye. It was a loose thread near the waist of the dress that seemed to stand out like a fully clothed woman on Mardi Gras. Being the ever helpful maid of honor that he was, Naruto decided to fix the beautiful dress for his beloved Sakura-chan. So Naruto carefully approached the dress and took hold of the bothersome little string.

Then he yanked as hard as he could on the thread and proceeded to tear out several seams, creating an even bigger piece of string. There was a horribly terrifying ripping noise as he did this.

There was an awkward moment of silence as Sasuke and Naruto stared disbelieving at the dress. Before Naruto killed the damn thing and purchased two one-way tickets to hell, Sasuke rushed forward and slapped Naruto away.

"Dammit dobe! Do you have a deathwish or something? That's not how you get rid of a piece of string!" Sasuke snapped as he swiftly snatched a pair of sewing scissors from the nearby vanity and positioned them to cut the string.

"_This_ is how you get rid of loose strings." He said all high and mighty like as he snipped the thread.

The two stood for a second, proud they had fixed the most important part of the wedding.

Part of the dress then fell apart, creating a very revealing slit that went from the waist to the hem of the gown.

_Fuck_. Sakura was going to _kill_ them. Attention all passengers slotted for the train ride to hell, your departure is upon you.

"Teme..."

"Don't say a _word_ dobe."

"Will it go away if I don't say anything?"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Fuck."

* * *

Steam filled the bathroom as an occupant happily belted out a popular show tune. The song was a light and hearty tune, very fitting for the days occasion. However the person singing was extremely flat yet determined to sing the high notes in the song.

Sakura twitched as she scrubbed her hair viciously. As the singer tried to reach a note an octave higher that what was previously sung, Sakura lost it.

"GODDAMMIT INO SHUT THE FUCK UP!" The singing stopped for a few blessed seconds before it started again. Sakura nearly cried.

"You're just jealous forehead!" Ino sang in a horrible pitch. Sakura clenched her teeth and clutched her ears.

_"Just don't say anything and let her keep singing, you'd be a horrible friend if you told her how bad she really is."_ Sakura chanted silently.

_"But then I'd have to keep listening to it forever!" _Her mind wailed. The pinkette shuddered in horror.

_"Well, its best she hear it from me. She could make an ass out of herself." _She reasoned. Sakura stopped and thought about her previous thought. Grinning evilly she shrugged.

A healthy dose of mortification only killed thirty percent of people. _  
_

On that happy thought Sakura continued to wash her hair, completely tuning out the tone-deaf psycho blonde. Once finished Sakura checked her appearance in the mirror inside the shower stall.

She nearly passed out upon seeing her reflection.

Gripping the wall in a vice-grip, Sakura exhaled shakily. Then inhaled slowly.

In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In- Oh Kami it was still there.

"Ino," she called out in a disturbingly emotionless tone. "Where did you get this shampoo?" Ino shrugged carelessly, although it went unseen.

"I had to have Naruto and Sasuke pick it up. Knowing them they probably picked up the first thing that said hair on it."

"Oh you have no fucking idea." Ino cringed at the words and high, panicky, pitch.

"Damn, did they get the really cheap kind that makes your hair greasy? Sorry hun, don't worry we can fix that with a bit of product-" Ino cut herself off as she stared at her best friend in horror.

Mainly she stared at her friends hair that was half _green_. She continued to gape as Sakura pointed out the obvious with the same creepy calm voice.

"Ino, they bought green hair dye."

"OMIGOD GET BACK IN THE SHOWER!" Was the horrified scream that erupted from the blonde's mouth. Without any warning, she picked up her pink haired friend and quite literally threw her back into said shower.

"DAMMIT PIG THAT HURT!" Was Sakura's enraged screech. Ino however, paid her no mind.

"Shut it Forehead! Your natural hair color is bad enough, there's no way in _hell_ I'm sending you out with green hair on your special day!" Sakura's face softened.

"Ino-"

"My reputation would be absolute shit Sakura! Absolute _SHIT_! I refuse to be known as the woman who let her friend get married with green hair! Nasty rumors start from shit like that!" The blonde frantically carried on. Sakura growled.

"And to think that for a second I thought you were doing something out of the kindness of your heart."

"And here I thought you knew me better than that. NOW WHERE IS THE ACTUAL FUCKING SHAMPOO?!"

* * *

"Sasuke-teme?"

"_What?" _

"... You didn't have to snap at me."

"Dammit dobe, do you not realize the position we're in?!" The blonde began to panic at the thought of the ripped wedding dress.

"Sasuke-teme, what do we do?! I wanna LIVEEE!" Hysterical crying broke out after this was said.

"Naruto," A sniffle.

"Yeah?"

"Shut up."

"Well what are we supposed to do?"

"We do nothing."

"Nothing?!"

"Yup, nothing."

"But the dress!"

"What dress?"

"The dress you bastard!"

"I don't see a dress."

"It's right there in front of your face!"

"There's nothing in front of my face."

"But, but, but!"

"Naruto why don't we go get you a glass of water, you seem a bit confused."

"Oh... If you say so teme." Sasuke rolled his eyes.

"But teme, what about the dress?"

"What dress?"

* * *

"Okay. I think we got most of it out."

"_Most_ of it?"

"Honey, you washed your hair with green hair dye. Be thankful I was able to get out as much as I did." Sakura sank into the chair provided, rubbing her temples and cursing under her breath."

"I swear Ino it's a sign. I've been fucked over by the Kamis."

"Pft please Sakura, I'm sure your exaggerating." Sakura sighed and looked at her friend.

Well the blonde _could_ be right, however the probability of that happening was about as high as the chance that Itachi would spontaneously decide to strip and start pole dancing.

And sadly, things like that just didn't happen.

She would know, there had been many times she tried to persuade him into it and the infuriating man just refused! Honestly life was just unfair, _she_ did the handcuff thing in the high school teacher's lounge while attending Naruto and Sasuke's graduation. The _least_ he could do was dance erotically on a nice shiny pole for her.

Ino noticed her friend had 'checked out' for lack of better terms. The blonde _really_ didn't like the hungry look her friend was currently sporting. Brides were supposed to be _innocent_ Sakura, _not_ horny lions. So she snapped her fingers in front of her friend's face while shouting her name. When Sakura came back down to earth, she gave Ino a dispassionate glance.

"There is a very, very, _very_ small chance that you're right but since it's my wedding day, some unspoken law requires me to be unusually optimistic." Ino shrugged.

Seems legit.

* * *

"Hey there sexy, are you here for the bride or groom?" Itachi mentally sighed as another one of the countless females approached him _again_. Kami-sama what had happened to the world? A guy can't even go to the bathroom on his own wedding day without being bombarded by the 'fairer sex'. This seemed to be one of Sakura's distant cousins, he recalled seeing her at a Haruno family gathering once.

Apparently taking Itachi's contemplative silence as the A-OK to continue talking, the Haruno cousin continued to babble mindlessly.

"I'd like to point out that beautiful has 'U' in it but quickie has 'U _and_ I'." Itachi blinked. Had he misheard?

"I'm wearing Revlon Colorstay Lipstick, want to help me test the claim that it won't kiss off?" Itachi cringed. Oh Kami-sama _why_?

Female pick up lines.

Cue dramatic shudder from every male in the world.

"To answer your previous question," at this the woman's eyes shone brightly with hope.

"_I_ am the groom." Then her face took on the expression of being run over by a truck.

A very heavy truck.

Itachi then walked away, feeling very accomplished with himself.

* * *

"Oh."

"My."

"Fucking."

"Kami-sama." There was a moment's pause before the ever eloquent platinum blonde spoke.

"Uh, forehead, I think you were right in this one. The Kami's fucked you over _bad_." Instead of gracing her sympathetic friend with a response, Sakura simply glared at her reflection in the mirror. _Hard_. Her terrifyingly evil stare was seemingly transfixed on her once perfect wedding dress. Her beautiful, original, pristine, _perfect_ wedding dress. And the damned thing now had a slit up the side. She looked like a goddamn hooker!

Ino gulped loudly as steam seemed to literally come out of Sakura's ears. First her still greenish hair and now this, Sakura was going to erupt soon. Hell, she may even forgo the wedding and just kidnap Itachi with her current attitude.

The tension in the room was palpable, who could have done this to the beautiful dress?

Ino clamped a hand over her mouth as she thought of two certain friends of the bride. Oh Kami they couldn't have!

... But they could.

But they wouldn't!

But they would, at least accidentally.

Oh fuck it, if it was possible for Naruto and Sasuke to set a _swimming facility_ on fire and burn it to the ground, then it would be pretty damn easy for those two morons to rip the wedding dress. Suddenly sweating as she glanced at her pink-haired friend who looked like hell incarnated, Ino kept silent in hopes of her crush getting out of this alive.

She flinched as Sakura let out a demonic growl.

"When I get my hands on whoever did this," she rasped while grinning positively wickedly, "Satan's worst nightmare will have _nothing_ on me."

It was a wonder Ino's legs hadn't given out on her yet.

* * *

Akasuna Karin: sister of the famous artist Akasuna Sasori, niece of Haruno Saya, the woman of no morals...

... Cousin of Haruno Sakura.

Now Karin enjoyed many things in life but there were a few specific things she really obsessed over. One of those things would be men.

Namely Uchiha men.

So naturally she pinned after those two Uchiha main house sons like a bitch in heat would chase the last available mate on earth. Because really, who _wouldn't_ want those sexy Uchiha boys? Of course she recently limited herself to chasing Sasuke after realizing some things were just unattainable.

Like Uchiha Itachi. While Sasuke was would recieve a 'daaamn' from the female population when his looks were in question. Itachi would warrant a '_DAAAAYYYYUUUUUUMMMM' _while his clothes were brutally torn from his body. With this logic in mind, Karin reasoned that the man was just incapable of being touched. Which brought up her next subject of obsession;

Making her dear cousin Sakura's life a living hell.

This obsession became even more pronounced when her cousin landed said unattainable sex god Itachi. Every opportunity she got, Karin was using it to upset her baby cousin.

Sakura's cat dying? Karin's truck was looking suspiciously bloody that day.

Sakura over-sleeping and missing her job interview? Oh, Sakura had wanted her alarm clock back last night?

Sakura crying when she saw the TV commercial about baby ducks getting stuck in oil spills? Karin personally tipped over the oil trucks.

All of Sakura's shirts mysteriously shrinking in the wash? She should have locked her door that day.

Rabid racoon being found under her bed? It just looked so cold outside and Karin _knew_ Sakura was an animal lover.

Hell if global warming made Sakura upset Karin would take the credit for it.

So imagine Karin's utter delight when she overheard that blonde bimbo Ino, who happened to be one of Sakura's bridesmaids, furiously whispering to the annoyingly meek Hyuuga heiress, Hinata, ten minutes before the ceremony was set to begin.

"Oh Hinata! What are we going to do!"

"I-i don't know Ino-chan! How is Sakura-chan taking this?" At hearing her cousin's name Karin leaned against the wall and listened in on their conversation, ears perked.

"She's really upset! This is sooo bad!" Karin grinned like a Cheshire cat on crack after hearing this statement.

"H-how bad is the rip?"

"It's awful! It's all the way from her waist to the hem! We still don't know who did it! And we don't have time to fix it! The ceremony is in ten minutes!" With this wonderful news delivered, Karin took off like a bat out of hell. This would be her greatest triumph yet! Ruining her cousin's wedding dress, oh the girl would cry for sure! Cackling maniacally, Karin made her way to Sakura's dressing room. She would have to thank that mystery person later for ripping the dress.

Too bad for Karin, she wasn't informed of what _kind_ of upset Sakura was.

* * *

Sakura spun slowly in front of the mirror, green eyes sparkling with righteous fury. She had only managed to fix three inches or so of the dress. While she still looked like a hooker, at least it wasn't one of those cheap hookers. If she was going to be forced into looking like a hooker on her goddamn wedding day then she damn well better be looking like a classy hooker.

Kami-sama what was she saying? Damn she was pissed, she almost felt bad for the next person that came upon her in this mood. Almost.

The door to her dressing room swung open and a stupid red-head stood in the doorway.

Speaking of hookers...

"Is there something you want? Or is Satan just lacking company again, because I can have you meet him halfway to hell." Sakura's face was set into an ugly scowl and if looks could kill...

Well lets just say that would be the best damn day _ever_. Karin sneered.

"Don't be such a bitch Haruno." Sakura growled and imagined puncturing Karin's fake boobs with a rusty nail. Then the annoying bitch would be flat-chested and have technis!

"What do you want Karin?" Karin grinned like Orochimaru at a pool party with Itachi and Sasuke while Sakura glanced upward and cursed her luck.

"I just thought I should tell you who ripped your dress." Since she was too busy being pleased with herself, Karin missed the dangerous glimmer in Sakura's eyes. The glimmer that promised a quick trip to hell.

"Oh really now?" Sakura drawled, hands curling into fists, revenge would be marvelous right about now. Like waffles with chocolate syrup.

"Yes."

"Care to share bitch?"

"Maybeeee." Sakura's scowl deepened. This bitch was mocking her!

"Spill now or I'll dislocate your shoulder." Karin put her hands up in mock surrender, smirking evilly as she did so.

"Fine, fine you got me. _I_ tore your wedding dress." It was at this moment Karin expected Sakura to burst into tears.

She hadn't ever been more wrong.

"I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!"

* * *

The ceremony set to take place was absolutely stunning. As expected of the Uchiha's though. Itachi stood at the front of the altar, his best man Shisui at his side, as he waited for his bride. The guests in the church chattered excitedly, waiting to witness what would undoubtedly be the wedding of the century. While everyone else was talking excitedly, or being silently smug in Itachi's case, Naruto and Sasuke stood on the opposite side of Itachi. Though they were the maids of honor, they had been kicked out of the dressing room and sent to wait at the altar with the groom and groomsmen. Naruto was visibly sweating bullets and Sasuke's hands were shaking, though he had long since hidden them behind his back. Many of the guests simply thought they were restraining themselves from strangling Itachi for taking away their dear Sakura-chan. While this would be the norm in any other circumstance, it was not the case this time.

They were preparing to be murdered. Brutally.

After their little stunt with the wedding dress, they knew it was only a matter of time until Sakura found out, because she _always_ found out. And when she found out, _oh Kami_ they were in trouble. So here they stood, waiting for Sakura to come through those doors in all of her ripped wedding dress glory and proceed to beat the shit out of them.

Good-bye ramen.

Good-bye Ino.

Both Naruto and Sasuke sighed as they anxiously waited for their doom. A small little girl, the flower girl they noted with fear, came through the door. She scattered the delicate little petals of roses as she went. Soon after her came some of the bridesmaids, although Ino and Hinata were noticeably absent. At the sight of them, the organ player began the traditional wedding march song.

Although it sounded more like a death march to Naruto and Sasuke.

They gulped.

This was it.

They closed their eyes.

Then quickly opened them as a large gasp sounded through the crowd of guests and the loudest bang ever to be heard resounded throughout the church. Everyone watched in confusion as Akasuna Karin scrambled through the doors and dodged around the pews, horror and fear dominating her expression.

Sasori raised a brow as his sister dashed (like Naruto would charge a ramen stand) toward the altar but soon both brows were raised as his precious baby cousin skidded to a halt in the doorway. Her wedding gown had a most revealing slit from the hem up to the upper half of her thigh. The pinkette's chest heaved in anger and the bust of her gown looked terribly close to ripping.

It was here one could observe the rather obvious genes her aunt Tsunade had gifted her with.

"Daaaaamn." He heard Hidan whistle. Sasori smacked him.

"KARIN YOU COCK-SUCKING BITCH! GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE SO I CAN KICK IT TO HELL!" The guests gasped at the innocent bride's language. Itachi rubbed the bridge of his nose.

"I knew it." he mumbled. Ino and Hinata could be seen in the background, making a mad dash to try to restrain the obviously pissed off bride but Sakura was having none of that. With a few short sprints, an impressive feat in her shoes, Sakura launched herself into the air, twirled in a half cork-screw, and flew down towards where Karin was running, her leg outstretched. Her leg connected into Karin's back and both went tumbling down with Sakura's hands already clasped around Karin's neck.

"WOOHOO THAT'S MY GIRL!" Tsunade and Saya cheered loudly. A few guests looked offended by their outburst.

Well, they never had liked Karin.

Tsunade turned to the shocked guests, obviously pleased with herself.

"I taught her that move!" she exclaimed, beaming with pride.

"That is sooo fucking hot! Wonder if they'll strip?" Hidan drooled as he watched the two females wrestle on the church floor. Tobi gasped and pointed at Hidan.

"Naughty Hidan! No no!" Itachi twitched and slammed a fist into Hidan's face. The rest of the Akatsuki plus Shisui roared with laughter. Hidan got up and tried to punch Itachi back, the Uchiha neatly dodged and Hidan's fist instead hit Kisame. The blue-shark man growled and kicked Hidan in the stomach, sending him flying into Deidara.

Naruto and Sasuke watched, horrified, as the Akatsuki broke out into a fist fight, Tsunade and Saya cheered on Sakura, Ino and Hinata tried to separate Sakura and Karin, Sakura strangled Karin, and the rest of the guests broke out into a fight like the event was a common bar brawl.

"FIGHT!" Everyone cheered.

"What the hell?" Naruto choked out as he tried to dodge flying shoes and purses and other things of the like. Sasuke remained silent in obvious shock.

"KARIN YOU LITTLE BITCH, YOU RIPPED MY FUCKING WEDDING DRESS!"

_HUH?!_

"Wait Sakura-" Naruto began, however Sasuke stopped him.

"Hold up Naruto, this could be a good thing."

"We're really going to let Sakura kill Karin for our mistake?"

"Uh, yeah." Sasuke stated in a totaly out of character 'duh' tone.

"Would you rather that be us?" He continued. Naruto stared at the enraged female that was his best friend and the red-head that was slowly being strangled. Sakura looked like hell in the flesh and Karin looked awfully close to passing out and she tried to slash at Sakura with disturbingly long nails.

Naruto glanced at Sasuke, paused, then nodded. Both exhaled slowly in relief.

_Safe._

Naruto screeched as a wedding guest came hurtling towards the alter at an alarming speed. The guest smashed into the priest and both seemed down for the count. Sasuke recognized the thrown man as one of the clan elders. He gulped.

"Oh Kami."

"THAT'LL TEACH YOU TO MAKE RUDE REMARKS ABOUT MY BABY GIRL!" Saya and Tsunade screamed in sync, each had a fist curled into a punch.

"Go Haruno-samas!" Shisui cheered.

"Pretty ladies can make big punches!" Tobi loudly laughed.

The super fist fight wedding extravaganza battle brawl continued for about thirty more seconds before someone came to their senses. That person being Uchiha Fugaku.

"SILENCE!" he thundered. Everyone paused. Each person in a comical position with another and an innocent expression marking each and every face.

"SEPARATE!" Everyone immediately separated.

He didn't need to yell. Gosh.

"We will be continuing with the ceremony. NOW!" He commanded when nobody moved. The guests rushed back to their seats and Sakura scrambled up to stand beside Itachi. She gave a sheepish chuckle while doing so.

"We are gathered here today-" the priest began in an old raspy voice.

"Skip to the end! We aren't taking anymore chances!" Fugaku bellowed. The priest jumped in a mixture of shock and fear.

"Uh Itachi?"

"Hn."

"Sakura?"

"Let's do it!"

"Uh man and wife?" The whole wedding cheered and cooed as the bride and groom shared a kiss. However everyone quieted down and stared awkwardly as the innocent kiss turned rather steamy when Sakura threaded her hands in Itachi's hair and proceeded to make out with him. A few guests coughed pointedly but the newly weds were totally oblivious. Saya and Mikoto giggled like school-girls from where they sat next to each other and sang "grandkids!" while Tsunade's jaw visibly clenched. Naruto and Sasuke gawked.

"Alright Uchiha hands off!" The three yelled. Sakura and Itachi pulled apart, with Sakura grinning cheekily and Itachi looking smug.

* * *

Soon after the vows were ignored, the whole party moved to watch the new couple cut the cake.

"Itachi, I swear to Kami if you don't open your damn mouth I will shove this cake up your ass! I'll still love you while doing it though if that's any consolation." Naruto and Sasuke laughed at Itachi's expense until Karin approached and tried to feed Sasuke.

"Come on Sasuke-kun just eat some!" She, purred? Naruto laughed hysterically until Sasuke stabbed him with a fork.

"YOU FUCKTARD WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!"

"TOBI THINKS NARUTO-KUN HAS A POTTY MOUTH!"

"Ah, ah, ah Naruto, now is not the time to have a lovers quarrel! You're at a wedding!" Kisame chided. Naruto went purple.

"YOU DUMB FISH I'M NOT GAY!" Kisame was about to make a retort but Sakura magically appeared behind him and grasped the back of his neck.

"We aren't having any problems right Kisame-kun?" She hummed cheerfully.

"Of course not angel! It's all good here!" The blue man covered quickly. Sakura's grin became brighter.

"How wonderful! Well I better go make sure Itachi eats his cake!" She fixed Naruto and Sasuke with a look that promised pain for the sin of disobedience.

"Be good you two." she warned. They gulped and saluted.

"Hai Sakura-sama!"

* * *

After everyone had either eaten a slice of cake or gotten covered in cake in Naruto's case, the guests gathered around the ballroom to witness the bride and groom's first dance. Each person eagerly awaited to see what sweet melody would play that would ultimately be dubbed 'their song'.

Naruto, and even Sasuke, beamed with pride. They had been chosen to pick the song the couple would dance to since they were the maids of honor. This would be their shining moment, a way to prove to Sakura just how much she meant to them. They giddily waited for the music to start.

Itachi took his bride and lead her to the dance floor. As fiery tempered as the pink haired girl was, he knew she loved him and that's all that mattered to him. Itachi let affection show in his eyes for Sakura only and said woman teared up a bit at the sight of her husband's loving stare.

The lights dimmed.

Everyone waited with bated breath for the music to start.

_**BAKUNYU SENTAI (OP)PAI PAI RANGER, SAN-JOU!**_

_**PAI PAI PAI PAI PAI RANGER!**_

_**PAI PAI PAI PAI PAI RANGER!**_

_****__**PAI PAI PAI PAI PAI RANGER!**_

_****__**PAI PAI PAI PAI PAI PAI; PAI PAI!**_

Jaws everywhere proceeded to make an acquaintance with the floor as five beautiful women in revealing bunny costumes came prancing out onto the stage above the dance floor, wiggling around to an upbeat tune. They each looked like runaway models as they began to dance to the song they were singing.

The song that was about boobs. Huge boobs for that matter.

Sasuke's mouth fell open as the women came onstage and he vaguely registered hearing Hidan and Kisame's hollers and whistles of approval. Chicken styled hair whipped around wildly as Sasuke searched frantically for Naruto. He spotted him a little ways away, dancing along with Tobi as both mimicked the dancers. When he had the time to learn te dance, Sasuke had no idea. Tobi, well this seemed like he would automatically know how to do. He tackled the blonde to the floor. A few guests, namely Kisame and Deidara giggled and murmured "gay" under their breath. Sasuke was to busy panicking to even care

"DOBE! What the hell is this?!" He exclaimed while shaking his best friend like a rag doll.

"I dunno Teme, I liked this one better ya know? More upbeat." His blonde idiot friend responded as his head lolled back and forth. Sasuke felt like crawling into a hole and dying right then. The men of the crowd were certianly enjoying the show, if the wolf whistles were anything to go by, while the women looked scandalized. And Sakura, oh Sakura. Sasuke nearly wet himself at seeing the expression on her face and watched as Itachi struggled with holding her back.

"Naruto, what have you done?!" He scream-whispered.

"What are you talking about Teme? This place is a party now- oh shit." Was the response as the blonde caught sight of his pink haired friend.

"This is probably worse than the wedding dress incident Naruto. _Worse_!" Naruto and Sasuke began to pale dramatically as Sakura seemed close to getting out of Itachi's grasp. She hissed, kicked and screeched, like a cat with rabies. Lots of rabies. Both men clutched each other in fear.

"I can't think of anything witty to say teme!" Sasuke just trembled as an answer. The music stopped abruptly and everyone stared as a harsh cry sounded.

"_SHAAAAANNAROOOOO_!" Sasuke and Naruto whimpered.

"Oh Kami, not the war cry!" Naruto bawled.

Oh snap, shit's bout to go down now.

"NARUTO! SASUKE!" The pink haired demon howled. Shrill screams exploded from Naruto and Sasuke's mouths as they were chased around the room by Sakura. Ino, Hinata, and Itachi hot on their heels.

"YOU TWO BETTER GET BACK HERE!"

"MERCY SAKURA-CHAN, MERCY!" They squealed.

"FOREHEAD! YOU BETTER LEAVE MY MAN ALONE!"

"TOBI WANTS TO PLAY TAG TOO!"

Sakura chased the two around for a few more minutes until she caught up with them. The deadly game of tag ending quickly as she grabbed their collars and yanked them back. As she opened her mouth to scream and yell and give them the beating of their lives, Sakura took one look at their I'm-going-to-shit-myself expression and burst out laughing. Naruto and Sasuke cringed, mistaking it for evil laughter. However Sakura just continued to laugh harder and harder until tears were streaming out of her eyes. She pulled her two friends in for a crushing hug.

"And here I thought we did crazy shit on a regular day, this day takes the cake by far." Sasuke and Naruto stared uncomprehendingly at their friend, until they too began to laugh and hug her back.

* * *

_Thump._

_Moan._

_Thump._

_Moan._

_Thump._

_Moan._

_Bang._

_Scream._

_Bang._

_Scream._

_Bang._

_Scream._

Naruto shuddered and huddled under the blanket, trying to cover his ears. Sasuke looked nauseous and Naruto wouldn't be surprised if he lost his dinner. It had been going on like this for hours and didn't seem to be close to stopping.

It was bad enough that Sasuke and Naruto _knew_ what kind of activities Sakura and Itachi would be participating in that night but Kami-sama, did they have to spend their wedding night _here_ of all places?! Another scream came from down the hall and Sasuke looked noticeably greener.

If they weren't so busy being traumatized, they may have been happy for their bestest friend.

_Bang._

_Scream._

Or not.

"Dobe bring me the bucket, I think I'm gonna hurl."

"Right-o Teme. Just remember to aim for the bucket."

"I don't need instructions on how to puke Dobe!"

_Scream._

_Barf._

* * *

Naruto and Sasuke came down the stairs of the Uchiha manor the next morning looking like they had been through hell and back. When they entered the kitchen, they noticed Sakura and Itachi holding hands and sipping coffee and both fully dressed. Both boys mustered up the ugliest glare they could manage after getting a little over three hours of sleep. Sakura was the first to notice their stare.

"Guys?"

The glares intensified after seeing how awake Sakura acted. She raised a brow.

"Naruto, why am I being stared at like you found out I accidentally burned Gama-chan?" Said blonde's eyes widened in horror as he feared for his precious wallet. Sakura snickered.

"Kidding." He visibly sagged in relief. Sasuke's glare was relentless however. Sakura sighed, slightly annoyed.

"Seriously guys what's up?"

"You know 'what's up'." Naruto grumbled, Sasuke's 'yeah' was left unsaid. Itachi looked at his wife in confusion, she shrugged.

"What are you talking about?" Sasuke snarled, tired and annoyed.

"You and Aniki kept us up all night with your damn 'activities'!" Sakura eyed the two like they were special mental cases.

"We weren't here last night Sasuke." He paled.

"What?" Naruto balked.

"We went to a hotel on an island relatively close to here. We flew back this morning because your mother wanted to have brunch." Sasuke felt that familiar nauseous feeling creep back into his body as his mind began to put the pieces together. Itachi looked disturbingly amused, having figured out the situation before the conversation even started.

"Foolish little brother," he began, his velvety tone dripping with mirth at the expense if his brother and friend.

"The only one's here last night were Mother and Father."

This time, it was Naruto who ran for the trash and puked.

* * *

**THE END! Hahahahaha!**

**Aw, I'm kinda sad to see it end but as they say, "All good things must come to an end." **

**However, I made this as kick-ass crazy as I possibly could. This chapter doubled the length and then some of every other chapter! A whoopin 7,600 words+ people! So I hope I made you all very happy and instilled lots of giggles, chuckles and full blown laughs in all of my fantabulous readers! DID WE GO OUT WITH A BANG? I sure think we did! **

**I'm very grateful to everyone who reads this and again thanks to everyone who was here since the beginning!**

**By the way, my birthday is on monday the 25. I'll be 15! It would be the best birthday present I could ever wish for if everyone would reiview! Ya'lls words mean the world to me so that's my birthday wish for this year!**

**Gosh this is the last time I'll be closing out in this story. I don't think I can do it haha! Well here goes-**

**BYE EVERYONE! THANKS FOR READING _BRING YOUR PET TO WORK DAY! _THIS STORY IS NOW OVER!**


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